There is no doubt about it, guys, we go to a weird school. Whether it’s people going batshit-insane and literally destroying campus after winning a national championship; the fact that UConn has its own superhero-verse; or the fact that UConn students like to party whenever the full moon is out — there sure is never a dull moment on campus. So much so, that I think that if a non-UConn student saw what went on around here, they’d go into a coma. I would know, sometimes this stuff nearly puts me into a coma! Without further ado, here are the top 10 things that would send non-UConn students into a coma.
10. the fact that Uconn is in the middle of nowhere
The first thing that would send non-UConn students into a coma is how UConn is in the middle of nowhere. While I really enjoy going to UConn, I have one major complaint: unless you have a car, know people with a car, or are familiar with the bus system, if you happen to get bored of your surroundings and want to go see some faces and places not associated with your university, you are S.O.L. A lot of other schools are in more urban areas with more transportation options, so students are able to go places off-campus if they need a break. I feel that if a non-UConn student were to visit UConn, how hard it is to get into town without a car would surely send them into a coma.
9. UConn’s superhero-verse
On a more positive note, another thing I feel would send non-UConn students into a coma is the fact that UConn has its own superhero universe, and more specifically, UConn Spiderman. The fact that there’s some guy dressed as Spiderman who just roams around campus in broad daylight, and no one knows who he actually is, and all the students eagerly await to take pictures with him would be enough to send non-UConn students into a coma — but wait, there’s more! Over time, UConn has amassed its own superhero-verse with a bunch of other superheroes (and super-villains) such as UConn Spider-Gwen, UConn Ned, UConn Joker, and UConn J. Jonah Jameson.
8. The Fact that there are shopping carts in random places
A really random thing that I feel would send non-UConn students into a coma is the fact that there are shopping carts that randomly pop up all over the place. Where do they come from, where do they go? (I’ll spare you the rest of the “Cotton Eye Joe” lyric). Anyways, I’ll be going on my merry way to class, when I’ll see a shopping cart randomly parked in the bushes, next to a tree, or behind a building. Once I even saw one in a tree, during moon club (which believe me, I’ll be bringing up later). But no one knows how or why they got there; they just are, and you just have to accept it. I’ve also seen people using shopping carts to carry their stuff, and not when they are shopping. I’ve also seen people ride in them. As strange as it sounds, shopping carts are a huge part of UConn culture, and I just don’t think non-UConners would be able to comprehend it.
7. the Dairy bar!
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think most universities could say that they have their own Dairy Bar where their own cows make freshly-made ice cream right on campus. And it’s so good. It’s some of the best ice cream I’ve ever had. And the cows are so cute. It’s always so fun to go to the Dairy Bar and then go look at the cows — they’re very friendly. Anyhow, our Dairy Bar is amazing, and all of the other schools don’t know what they’re missing.
6. All the dogs on campus
One thing I love about UConn is all of the dogs on campus! On any given day, you can go out, walk to class, and you can bet that you’ll see a bunch of people walking their dogs, playing with their dogs, and most of them will be happy to let you pet them! They’re all so friendly and so cute! Not only that, but there are also several famous dogs around campus that even have their own Instagram accounts, such as Jonathan the Husky, Officer Tildy, Celeste the Therapy Dog, and Wonton the Service Dog. I guess it makes sense that this campus loves dogs so much since our mascot is a dog! If non-UConn students saw this, they would go into a coma from all the cuteness.
5. How screwed up our bus system is
Something that would send non-UConn students into a coma out of frustration is our bus system, since it’s so dang infuriating! Ever since Passio GO! debuted in late 2021, students have been frustrated and unsatisfied with how unreliable the app can be. It is not very user-friendly, in my opinion, and can sometimes estimate inaccurate wait times, or sometimes the wait times won’t even show up for the buses. But that’s not all. Because of the construction at South, the bus routes were changed to go from past-Alumni to past-Brock instead, which is very inconvenient in my opinion.
4. The wind tunnel
Another thing that would send non-UConn students into a coma is how UConn is basically a giant wind tunnel. Even on days when the weather is supposed to be nice, there’s always a breeze blowing about that messes up your hair, blows away your food wrappers, and just generally causes chaos. The wind is so prevalent that there’s a rumor that our campus was designed with Texas-based structural formations, and with New England weather conditions, this creates an intense wind tunnel. Non-UConn students would definitely go into a coma over how unbearably windy it is up here.
3. The Construction at South
Non-UConn students would certainly go into a coma over the construction at South, with simply how maddening it is. No one was asking for a new dorm — we have enough of those already, yet we’re getting one. And it really is disruptive. If you live near South, you can’t go a day without hearing the banging and clanging of construction, and they changed the bus route because of the construction (which I already discussed, but is still infuriating nonetheless because of how inconvenient the locations of the new stops are). Also, South used to look so pretty before all of the construction began — I really miss it!
2. Moon club
Moon club would definitely send non-UConn students into a coma because of how insane and chaotic it is. There really is nothing quite like it. I mean, it sounds insane. Every full moon, the students of UConn gather on the lawn next to Austin and party hardy. Illicit substances are smoked, accordions are played, costumes are worn, and chants are chanted (including, but not limited to: “f*ck the sun!”). There is a special kind of energy to moon club that I feel that only UConn students will truly be able to understand.
1. The Post-championship riots
Last, but most certainly not least, the post-National Championship riots would most definitely send non-UConn students into a coma because…what even happened there? It nearly sent me into a coma and I go here. After UConn won the NCAA Men’s Basketball National Championship, chaos unleashed — chaos the likes of which I had never seen before in all my 21 years.
After I left Gampel Pavilion, I could not believe what I was seeing. Students were climbing on top of the Union and Fieldhouse. Lamp posts were being shaken down by massive mobs of students and people were even carrying them down the street. Stop signs were plucked from their bases and carried down the street. Windows were smashed. Statues were TP’d. Massive amounts of beer was consumed. Cars were tipped over. It honestly felt like being in the middle of The Purge. And yet, the fallout was just as extreme: several students got arrested, some got expelled, and some even had to go to the hospital! Non-UConn students would definitely go into a coma over how insane the whole situation was.
As you can see, UConn is quite crazy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. There is never a dull moment here!