In the unpredictable journey that is life, everybody ultimately seeks one thing: love. There’s an endless supply of movies, books, songs, and sonnets written about it. And an array of expressions such as soulmate, other half, and one true love all describing romance as the end-all-be-all of life. But what about friendship? Is it second to all of what romance has to offer, or is it simply not valued as much as finding love? In my opinion, female friendships are even more beautiful than falling in love. You are essentially letting someone into your life without any ulterior motives based on the simple fact that you want them there. The bond between female friends goes way deeper than common interests or a similar sense of humor; it’s a bond that gets stronger with time as you confide in each other and get to know everything under the surface.
However, I’ve noticed that there’s a misconception about female friendships in that they’re regarded as snarky or competitive. A phrase I’ve heard way too much is: “I’m only friends with guys because girls are too much drama.” This idea, coupled with the ever growing TikTok trends about “pick me girls” and “girl’s girls,” makes me wonder what started this phenomenon in the first place.
Oh, how I love being a woman!
It goes without saying that the patriarchy is entirely to blame for things like slut shaming, body shaming, and pitting women against each other (among so many other things that I will not get into right now). And the place where this mindset is very visible is the media. Take for example, famous celebrity feuds. Off the top of my head, I can name: Taylor Swift vs Katy Perry, Selena Gomez vs Hailey Bieber, and Nicki Minaj vs Cardi B (and trust me, I could keep going). For all we know, these so-called feuds could be entirely made up or dramatized by the media, but the fact that they are so sensationalized is a big part of the problem. As women, if all we see in social media is other women being put against each other, then whether we like it or not, some part of us is going to internalize that. This is going to cause a warped perspective on how female relationships work, which in turn causes the big misconceptions that we hear today.
Another contributing force to this problematic perspective is the beloved shows and movies we grew up on. Yes, Gossip Girl and Mean Girls, I’m looking at you. These are just two picks out of the very problematic bunch that is 2000s media, and as much as I enjoy them, I can acknowledge that their portrayal of female friendships is entirely wrong. The female calculatedness that we see in Mean Girls, and the constant bickering and betrayal seen in Gossip Girl, play into the patriarchal view of female friendships. It’s all drama and no substance. It’s the same with celebrity feuds — if the things we grew up watching portray female friendships in a very stereotypical way then it will somehow influence us into thinking that way.
Media, shows, and movies are unfortunately only a small part of the patriarchal standards we grew up with. In order to break out of these conventions and reduce the perpetuation of these stereotypes, it’s important to acknowledge what’s wrong so we can then do better. There’s no point in competing with or envying your female friends when in reality what we have to go against are these crazy stereotypes that were pushed on us. Female friendships are beautiful and complex and the sooner we recognize that the farther we move away from misogynistic assumptions.
From personal experience, I’m no stranger to falling outs or arguments within friendships, in fact, that’s completely normal. However, I find myself wondering whether those falling outs were an effect of the patriarchal perspective of female friendships that we internalized and exhibited as toxic behavior towards each other. I don’t think rude or snarky behavior in a friendship is excusable, but with this new perspective, it somehow provides an explanation for that behavior. With time, I think friendships that fell victim to those stereotypes and expectations could possibly heal and reconnect, but that can only happen if both parties acknowledge their mistakes and do better.
When I take a look at my female friendships, past and present, I see strong, complex women that have a shared love for each other. Thankfully, I can say that I have a great relationship with every one of my female friends. Every single one of them has been with me through different stages in my life, and whether it’s breakups or breakdowns, I know I have their undying support. Even in friendships where we have grown apart or had a falling out, there’s still that mutual support from afar. I’m so grateful for my experiences with female friendships because they are truly unbreakable bonds that add so much more joy to life. And let’s be real, who needs romance when you’ve got your besties!