If you live in the Connecticut/New York area, chances are you know about Stew Leonard’s. If you don’t, let me enlighten you: Stew Leonard’s is basically like if Chuck E. Cheese was a supermarket, and it was farm-themed. Both Stew Leonard’s and Chuck E. Cheese have one crucial, rather spooky thing in common. You guessed it: animatronics. In every aisle at Stew Leonard’s are animatronics whose job is to entertain the passing customers. While it’s all in good fun, being exposed to so much Five Nights At Freddy’s during my adolescent years, and the upcoming FNAF movie has got me wondering how I would fare if I had to face off in battle with animatronics, particularly my childhood faves. Without further ado, here is a ranking of Stew Leonard’s animatronics on how likely I could beat them in a fight, from least to most likely.
The Farm Fresh Five
The Farm Fresh Five is a band of singing milk cartons, who watch over the store and amuse the passing customers with witty show melodies, and I don’t stand a chance against them. Why, you may ask? Because there are five of them and only one of me. They could use that to their advantage and gang up on me. Also, they are life-sized, and quite large too, and I am quite petite. Finally, they all have musical instruments, which in a scenario of combat, they could use as weapons! Given all these facts, it’s easy to see why this is one pack of milk cartons you don’t want going bad on you.
The 3 good eggs
Blake, Emma, and Sarah are all part of the 3 Good Eggs. When you push the button, this good-natured flock of hens will lay an egg in front of you and cheerfully remind you to mind your parents. However, these are 3 Good Eggs that you don’t want to turn bad on you. Even though I am bigger than they are, I would not want to piss these guys off, because, firstly, it’s three against one, so they could use that to their advantage and gang up on me. Secondly, as we all know, chickens have beaks, which they could use to peck me, have you ever been pecked by a chicken? That stuff hurts. Thirdly, they have one final trick up their sleeves: their egg-laying abilities. I mean, those motherf*ckers are always laying eggs! Who’s to say that they couldn’t weaponize their egg-laying abilities, and throw their eggs at me? So yeah, you don’t want to be on these three good eggs’ bad side.
The Chiquita Banana
The Chiquita Banana is a banana who loves to sing about how Chiquitas are delicious and very nutritious. I think I would have an easier time with her than the other animatronics, because there’s just one of her, so it’s a pretty evenly matched fight. However, she still does have some tricks up her sleeves. Firstly, she’s a banana, and what do bananas have? Peels. And, as we all know, banana peels can be slippery little suckers. If she needed to, she could take off her peel and use it to make me slip. Not to mention her giant fruit hat. She could either throw the whole thing at me or use the abundance of fruit as ammunition. Neither of which sounds like a particularly ap-peeling fate.
Hank and Colonel Beau
Hank and Beau are two giant country dogs who like to exchange banter and sing folk music. I do think they stand a chance against me, for similar reasons as the Farm Fresh Five. They are both quite tall, and they both have musical instruments that they could use as weapons. However, as much as they have a chance against me, there are a couple of reasons why I think I’d have a chance against them. First of all, they don’t seem like the brightest crayons in the box, so I think that I could maybe outwit them. Also, Colonel Beau usually wears a big hat that covers his eyes. I think this would give me the upper hand, and send those dogs howling.
The avocado girls
The Avocado Sisters are two sisters, who are also avocados, who love to play the maracas and sing about how fresh and yummy avocados are in your tummy, with a voice that sounds like they’re dead inside. I would say their main advantage is their creepiness. I mean just look at them! (Or maybe not, it would be a bad idea after all.) They have these creepy, long eyelashes, and these huge eyes that look like they’ve seen some stuff. They definitely could use that to their advantage because their appearance is so off-putting that it could throw you off your game. They look hungover. However, they have one crucial weakness. They lack that crucial third dimension, aka, they’re flat. Because of this, I believe it wouldn’t be too difficult to just push or kick them over. Even though they look creepy, I don’t think it would be too hard to make those avocados into guacamole.
cindy celery and larry lettuce
Cindy Celery and Larry Lettuce are — you guessed it — a dynamic duo that consists of a singing stalk of celery, and a singing head of lettuce. They love to sing about how Dole Fresh Vegetables are good for you. I think I would have a fairly easy time beating them. First of all, I’m much bigger than they are, so I can easily overpower them with that. However, being a head of lettuce and all, I’m sure Larry Lettuce could roll himself at me like a bowling ball and attempt to knock me down like a bowling pin, but since I’m bigger, I could easily drop-kick him. As for Cindy Celery, I could probably snap her in half. I could make these troublemaking vegetables into a salad.
So that’s my list! There are many more animatronics at Stew Leonard’s than these six, but if I listed them all, we’d probably be here until Halloween 2024. It is quite weird. Stew Leonard’s has quite a lot of animatronics, with a different combination of them at each location, which I was not even aware of until recently. It’s quite easy to fall down the Stew Leonard’s rabbit hole and get invested in all the animatronics lore. With all this lore, I think we need a Five Nights at Stew Leonard’s. Who’s with me?