After a breakup that shattered my heart, but released my soul from hell, I can say with confidence that I am my Roman Empire.
You never really believe that you are in an abusive relationship until you are out of it. Essentially, you become addicted to this toxic cycle of narcissistic behaviors that increase your cortisol levels, and then the dopamine release. In my experience, the release only comes after the abuser “rewards” you with a meaningless apology. In this article, I will highlight the three most important lessons I learned in this journey through the depths of despair and back.
Nothing starts with fire
From someone who has always been told, “You’re intimidating,” or “You’re too much,” or even better, “You’re so difficult,” I know it becomes a habit to make yourself seem smaller. Remember this — never let people’s lack of discernment define your worth.
1. Never settle for potential
Settling, in a way, is a form of self-sabotage. This internalized misogynistic narrative has burrowed its way into our lives, making us believe that whatever is in front of us is the best we’re going to get in life.
In my last relationship, I stayed even after I knew it was time to let go and move on. I knew the relationship was not healthy — it was very one-sided and it severely impacted my mental health. The amount of love, time, and commitment I was pouring into this person was excused with the idea that it was all going to be worth it in the future. But, the more love, attention, and care I gave them, the more I lost myself — all for something that did not exist.
I am here to tell you that you are never going to be happy settling. I am here to tell you that you deserve more than just potential. I am here to tell you that you are allowed to want what you deserve. You are allowed to have high standards. You deserve more than just empty promises of a future that may never come true.
2. set Boundaries
Similarly, when I was still in the relationship, I kept excusing behaviors as a form of sacrifice in order to compromise and make the relationship work. As you would imagine, I was the only one sacrificing and compromising, and I did that while also begging them to do the same. Whenever I brought up something that hurt me, I was met with the silent treatment. Sometimes it was a day, but most often it was a week without contact, where I would freak out, and sometimes have panic attacks. Then, they would come back as if nothing had happened and not even acknowledge what I had said. In some cases, I was the one apologizing for making them upset.
Unfortunately, we will make sacrifices in order to please the people around us, very often at the expense of our own emotions — a recipe for disaster. I have learned the hard way that setting boundaries is the cornerstone of self-love and empowerment.
Make it known that certain behaviors hurt you, or that certain times you just want to be alone. Learn how to say no, and be comfortable doing it.
3. Love yourself
I know it’s easier said than done — to love yourself. We will always find faults within ourselves, it could be that we don’t like the way our hair looks, or our body, or we have certain habits that are hard to let go of.
After the breakup, in the healing process — which I am still going through — I realized that I did not love myself, at all. If I had an ounce of love for myself, for my life, I would have never let him treat me the way that he did. I would have never allowed an unstable person with drug addiction and alcoholism to enter my life, my family’s home, and hurt me.
I urge you to make yourself the priority. Your wellbeing needs to always come first, and if you are in a place where you no longer feel safe, leave.
Start with simple things like going to bed earlier, reading a book, listening to a podcast, hitting the gym, doing your skincare, or going for a nature walk. Take small steps, every single day, to put your needs first, to give yourself the love and commitment that you deserve, and watch your confidence level rise up.
The way you treat yourself, and the way you let other people treat you, will tell you enough about where you stand. It’s a powerful act, to love ourselves the way we are, and all that comes with being a genuine human being.
Happily ever after?
In this relationship, I was almost always in a state of panic and anxiety, where I did not know if what I could say or ask of them would trigger another week of silent treatment. I would cry myself to sleep, because why can’t he see all the love I’m giving him? Why am I not enough to save him? What is wrong with me?
When I had enough of being mistreated, lied to, and used, the ending was a long time coming. It was not pretty, and I am glad it wasn’t — the bridge was burnt to the ground, with not even a whisper left to hold on to. I was left with my mental health in flames, struggling with depression, anxiety, and battling an eating disorder.
I am proud of myself for surviving what I went through, and most important learning from my mistakes. I am happy to say that even though I am still healing, I am thriving in my “happily ever after” and this wouldn’t have been possible if I had not put myself first.
Dear reader, always remember that you are allowed to have high standards, to set your boundaries, and most importantly, to love who you are now. Let this be your wake-up call to never ignore the red flags and to never take scraps from anyone. Become your own Roman Empire!