There’s no such thing as a perfect friendship. Everyone makes mistakes and hurts the people they love most, and that doesn’t make you a bad friend. Learning and growing make friendships special because they teach you how to be a better person. But, if you find yourself feeling guilty, belittled, and hurt by a friend the majority of the time you spend with them, it might be doing more harm than good keeping them around.
Toxic relationships are never completely one-sided, but it takes the stronger person to recognize the toxicity and cut it off for good. In the end, a clean break might be better for both parties. Here are five things to watch out for if a friendship is starting to feel more like a battle than an alliance.
- you’re always the second option
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One day you’re sitting down to meet a friend for a planned lunch, they text you that they have to go help another friend pick out an outfit or do homework, and suddenly your transported back to 4th grade when your teacher assigns a group project and your left alone. This is what it can feel like to have a friend who treats you like a back-up option.
If you find yourself being blown off all the time and wondering if the friend actually likes you, your intuition is probably right. Don’t waste your own time hoping a friend will eventually show up for you. Find those people who want to spend time together and prioritize you as a friend, not someone that flakes on when they feel like it.
- They enjoy watching you (and others) fail
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You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat other people. Ever get the ick when a friend is rude to the waiter or cashier? If they don’t treat a random stranger with respect, chances are they won’t treat you with respect either. If they love to bring up your’s and others’ failures in front of other people, they feed off of humiliating you to make themselves feel better.
Often, toxic friends tend to have low self-esteem but that does not give them the right to bring you down. Good friends lift you up to be the best version of yourself. They celebrate your success and help you through the low points with empathy and honesty advice.
- “But They’re always nice to me”
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Being able to complain or vent to someone you trust is one of the best parts of friendship. It’s nice to have someone on your side to listen and validate your feelings, especially if your feeling targeted by another person and want to express your frustration. A toxic friend might like to play “devil’s advocate” to invalidate your experience. You might feel like they don’t care that another person was mean or did something to you just because it didn’t affect them directly.
They don’t necessarily have to hate someone just because you do, and it also doesn’t mean you’re in the right in every situation. But, I find that good friend can stay civil between conflict and also acknowledge your feelings on a situation.
- You’re not allowed to be upset
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Everyone gets into fights with their friends from time to time. Conflict is a natural part of life that we deal with and learn to navigate. It’s important to let a friend know when you feel hurt from something they said or did to you.
But, what’s really frustrating is when they deflect, deny, and turn the argument back on you. This is called emotional invalidation. They might call you sensitive, paranoid, or dramatic for even bringing it up. Remember that your feelings are valid and there is nothing wrong with defending yourself.
- The bad times outweigh the good
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When you really like someone, share common interests, and have the same sense of humor, those good moments in the friendship can cloud your judgement. You might try an excuse they’re bad behavior with “what about that time…” or “remember when she did…”. But take a step back and look at your relationship from a third party point of view. You might find that all those times you felt special and valued don’t make up for the damage done when the friendship turns south.
It is important to be careful, respectful, and thorough when cutting off a friend. It takes a lot of thought and reflection to make such a big decision. First, its probably best to try and explain how they make you feel and what is bothering you. Don’t do it in front of other friends or start attacking them, but casually bring up the topic and see how they respond. They might not even realize that their actions are having negative impact. How they react to this conversation might tell you all you need to know.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic either. There is no need to have a big fight and finally call it quits. Slowly giving the friendship space and distancing yourself from the person could work, because chances are they aren’t happy with the relationship either. Friendships should fulfill you and make life feel meaningful, not exhaust you. You should never feel guilty removing yourself from an unhealthy situation.