I haven’t considered myself much of a gossiper in the past, but at the same time, I can hardly resist talking about the latest drama. I’ve always liked to know what’s going on, and there’s something about hearing the worst things about everyone that can be super satisfying. But, through my recent experiences in therapy, I’ve found out that what I had considered a harmless exchange of the latest news was actually worse for me, for the people it concerns, and for my relationships with others.
One of the reasons I ended up starting therapy was the desire to reduce my need for external validation. When I brought this up with my therapist, she said that that need often comes from not having a strong sense of yourself. So, she gave me the exercise of figuring out what my values are. The first two that came to mind were honesty and respect. However, the next weekend I found myself at a party engaging in conversations that revolved around spreading rumours about others. The next day I felt awful. The conversations I’d just had were in complete contradiction to the values I proclaimed were important to me. It was disrespectful to talk about other people that way, and it was dishonest to interact with the people I’d been talking about as if nothing was wrong. Engaging in gossip made me feel fake or two faced which happened to be the exact thing that I found myself criticizing other people for. I realized that I was becoming the type of person that I so disliked which made me uncomfortable with myself.
I also realized that gossiping does nothing to help anyone involved. After doing some thinking, I realized that a lot of people do crappy things out of insecurity. This suggests that if their self-esteem were to improve, they may stop doing those things. However, gossiping behind their backs while they aren’t able to defend themselves does nothing to help that. In fact, if they found out the things people were saying then that would only make their insecurity worse, potentially exaggerating their faults even more. In the end, it doesn’t really make me feel much better about anything either. All I’ve done is help to put someone down. They will likely stay the same, and I’ll likely continue disliking their actions, making the cycle continue. Ultimately, I came to the decision that if I have an issue with someone I should give myself two choices: I confront the person in question about the issue, or I let it go.
Gossiping also doesn’t necessarily build good relationships with others. Gossip is not a positive topic. Therefore, if relationships are built only on gossiping with each other, those relationships are built on negativity, which is not a very healthy way to build friendships. Being around negativity and negative people can be incredibly draining. I’m sure we’ve all known that one person who is always talking about what’s wrong with them, those around them, or the world in general. I’d be willing to bet that that’s not a person you want to hang out with a lot. I decided that I don’t want to be that person. I want to build relationships on more than shared negative experiences. That’s not to say that it’s wrong to vent about something that’s going on or that you shouldn’t listen to friends vent about their lives, but I found that it’s unhealthy to let that venting to turn into nothing more than a pile of negativity directed at one person.
Now, just because I’ve decided that I don’t want to gossip anymore doesn’t mean that I will make the change overnight. They say old habits die hard, and I’ll likely find myself slipping up on occasion, getting too carried away with a story that someone’s told me or trying to dig deeper on the latest piece of drama. But, I’m going to make an effort to stick to my guns this year and avoid spreading rumours or trying to find them. I’ve been trying to direct that energy into seeing the good in people, and already, I’m finding that it’s making me a much happier person.