Dear Andi,
My boyfriend and I just broke up due to pressure from his family, but I think we should still be together. We were dating for five months, then I got arrested for a pretty minor offense and things spiraled out of control. I tried writing his mother a letter apologizing but she wrote a return letter that is NOT what I expected. I want to fix things with the family and him and get back together because I miss him desperately, but I’m not sure that’s going to work. They threatened to kick him out because they don’t want us to be together. I’m totally lost as for what to do. I don’t want to let him go; I’ve never really had a big break up before so I don’t know how I would handle it. Is there anyway I can make it work?
-Real life Juliet
Dear Juliet,
Relationships are tough enough with just the two involved; but when other people become an influential factor of a relationship, stuff can really hit the fan. First of all, you need to know that no matter what the outcome of your predicament is, that it isn’t due to any fault of your own.
Some mothers can be very over-protective of their boys when it comes to girls. To her, no girl can ever be good enough for her little boy. Just because his parents have insane standards, or have misunderstood you as a person-does not mean you are not good enough. Your guy has chosen you for a reason: he wants to be with you. Another thing to understand is that blood is thicker than water. This guy can really have strong feelings for you, but in the end-family may come first.
That said, I think you should have your Romeo sit down and speak with his parents, suggesting that they hear you out. All four of you should meet in a public place like Starbucks or Panera and talk it out (the idea that you are out in public should make both sides be sure to not get emotional or heated-(it will allow things to stay calm and cordial). The most important part of this is that Romeo confronts his parents. He should let them know that you are a good person, and that he is old enough to make his own decisions and know right from wrong. If they are afraid you are a bad influence on their son, suggest supervised visits (hang out and watch TV at his house when his parents are home).
If they are unwilling to meet with you and hear you guys out, then clearly they are the ones with the problems. In this case, it is up to Romeo to make his choice to be with you and defy his parents or not. If he chooses to listen to his parents, then that is a sign it is not meant to be. The only things in life that are meant to be, happen. That is not to say that you two will never be together in the future. Maybe his parents need to see him mature a bit more before they can trust his choices, or maybe they might even see how upset he is without you and change their minds.
This is super difficult to deal with because if his parents aren’t willing to work anything out, it really is a problem far beyond you. This is a problem with their family dynamics- if they treat him like this, their distrust and control over their son surely extends far beyond your relationship with him. I also suggest that Romeo seek help with his relationship with his parents (i.e. a family therapist-they handle all kinds of family issues-big or small). At least that way, they can work out their issues and there will be a chance you two would be able to date again. The most stressful part of this problem is that it isn’t *your* problem. You really have no part in their issues, yet you still have to suffer from them, which isn’t fair. Give it time and have him make a choice to stand up to his folks. If he can’t at least try to work things out with them, then he is not your true Romeo. There are plenty of other guys out there with wonderful and sweet mothers!
I promise, Juliet, that it will all be okay in the end. If it isn’t okay, then it is not the end.
Please do write back once you have tried to work it out.
xoxo Andi