Dear Andi,
I’ve been talking to this guy which I met on a dating website. It seems like the relationship would be all sexual. Should I still go for it? It might be nice.
Sincerely,
-Myspace to His Place
Dear Myspace to His Place,
In any online relationship, it is important that you make sure you are safe. Anyone can be behind a computer screen pretending to anyone. While I’m not saying you are talking to some creepy old man in Nebraska, I am reminding you that there is always a chance. Make sure you are safe about meeting him in person as well. Please refer to this wonderful wikihow.com article for safety tips, http://www.wikihow.com/Safely-Meet-a-Person-You-Met-Online.
Before becoming intimate with anyone, whether you met them in person or online, it is important that you know that person well. Sex doesn’t have to be meaningful, but you should handle sex in a responsible and serious manner. You need to be able to trust this person, as sex can lead to all sorts of health issues or social issues. Before you engage in intimate actions, you need to meet this person and see whether you are comfortable with them.
Almost all times, in a relationship that begins as strictly physical, at least one person develops feelings for the other. You may not think you will ever fall for this guy, but before entering a sexual partnership with him, you need to imagine if you were to start developing feelings for him how you would feel about the situation. If it would upset you that someone you like only wants sex, then save yourself the hurt and don’t enter into the relationship. If you think you would able to pull yourself out of the arrangement should you start to develop feelings for him, then you may be able to handle the different outcomes. Also consider how you would handle the situation if he begins to develop feelings for you. Lastly, ask yourself if you are okay with intimately connecting with someone while not being able to rely or connect with them emotionally.
If after thinking all of this through and you decide you don’t mind “using” each other, the next step is to set rules. As forward and silly as it sounds, it is necessary that you come up with ground rules. The rules should determine: whether your relationship is open or exclusive (in which case you might need to discuss safety), whether or not you are both able to be completely honest with each other at all times (the good thing about this relationship is that you should be able to be honest and be yourself, because you aren’t trying to impress them if you don’t want to be with them; the straightforward nature of the relationship allows honesty to come easily and the situation demands it), and what you will do if one of you develops feelings. More than those three rules should be discussed depending on both of your preferences for the arrangement.
So long as you are comfortable, safe, and map out all different consequences, I see no problem in you being friends with benefits. I just want to stress that you need to be safe (about meeting them and protecting yourselves during intimacy), you need to know and trust the person, and you need to give yourself an out if you end up liking him or end up not wanting to continue this arrangement. I will not paint out sex to be some magical, special, sacred act (although it sometimes is), but I don’t want you to forget that it is important and requires you to act responsibly and with caution. You can have fun but don’t let it affect you for the rest of your life. That said- if you chose to pair up-have fun, be safe and best of luck to you!
xoxo Andi