In a world where people are pressured to plaster their faces across the internet, acne can make or break any girl’s perception of herself. As a teenager, I remember looking in the mirror and my skin being all I could see. It’s almost as if the rest of your features are blurred out while the breakouts are highlighted and starred in a bright red Sharpie.
Even the things you usually admire about yourself are suddenly erased as if they were never real in the first place. I think back to all the times that older family members would joke with my dad about how “he was going to be in trouble when I got older” and that, since I’m so tall, they were sure that someday I’d be a model.
While those sentiments were kind, I never once believed them. Sure, maybe I was tall enough to be a model, but my skin would never be clear enough to make it in that industry.
As a young teenage girl, it wasn’t long before I discovered the perfect solution: social media. While in the real world, people can meticulously inspect your skin up close, the camera of my cell phone became a veil for my insecurities. What makeup couldn’t hide in person was nearly invisible on a screen.
I posted and posted and posted, accidentally making a name for myself online. And while, yes, you could certainly still see that I had some acne, it was enthralling to 16-year-old me that people would be interested in what I had to say despite my face. My 1,000 followers slowly turned into 5,000, then 10,000, and now sitting only a few away from 50,000.
While I had never intended to acquire that much of an audience, I couldn’t help but sometimes feel as though I was lying to them. How do all of these young girls watch my videos and tell me that they could only dream of looking like me? Surely, they can see that my skin isn’t the glass-like surface they’ve come to expect from other creators. Do they know I had those very same wishes all throughout my adolescence?
So, social media became a great way to hide my acne, but it also reinforced the idea that it was something to hide. I started only shooting on “good skin” days, and before long, the excessive time spent overanalyzing my face caught up to me. I hated seeing photos of myself, especially if they weren’t carefully crafted and curated by me personally. Everyone I saw online somehow had flawless skin, and I resented them.
Looking back, I now know that some of them probably used beauty filters, but that’s an entire issue in itself. As a content creator in my late teens today, I sometimes catch myself falling back into those old habits. I might not film a video one day because “I just don’t feel like it,” when in reality, the decision was subconsciously influenced by what my skin looked like. I still have so much to learn, and it sucks to have such a complicated relationship with social media when that’s what I truly love. Whether or not it’s a “good skin” day, I should be able to do what inspires me.
Now, at nearly 19 years old and living in Toronto, I have finally decided to apply to modelling agencies despite my imperfect skin. While the industry is likely the most accepting it has ever been, that doesn’t mean that acne is always well-received — and trust me, they’re blunt about it.
“Come see me when your skin is clear,” is a response I was not shocked to hear but a little hurt by. Many industry experts have told me I have potential but that I really need to go on Accutane first. The funny thing is, though, my acne has never been severe enough for a dermatologist to ever even consider it.
That’s the reality of the modelling industry, and maybe it will never change. Should medication be the only definite solution for young girls who just want their confidence back? The only time that my skin has ever cleared was while taking a temporary acne pill, and while it worked just fine, as soon as my dosage was complete, it slowly crept back.
Acne makes you blind to your own beauty, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. My journey with acne is still ongoing, and I don’t know if I will ever find a permanent solution to it. If you struggle with your skin, just know that more people than you might think understand what it’s like. Even those influencers you look up to have probably been there before, too, no matter how much their camera might insist they haven’t.
Have you ever looked at someone with a few pimples and thought, “Wow, they are so gross.” I didn’t think so. This is your reminder that you are your acne’s biggest hater, no matter how convinced you might be that other people are judging you. Don’t let it define you.