Over the past year, I allowed my insecurities to swallow me whole. I lost myself in that dark pursuit and now I am trying to retrieve her back.
After losing a ton of weight, there was still this voice in my head that told me I wasn’t enough. I became obsessed with the way I looked. No picture ever seemed right; the way I looked in the mirror was always unappealing, and I absolutely hated the way I looked in my clothes. My whole world revolved around food and dieting. After experiencing a traumatic year, I convinced myself that this was the only way I could have a sense of control in my life. I needed this.
It took me a while to realize that I was certainly not in control of my diet and it was controlling me instead. This ongoing battle that I have with myself has been quite a ride, but I have learned a lot in the midst of it all. One important thing is to remind yourself that it’s okay to eat. If you are hungry, eat! You do not have to police yourself from eating at whatever point in the day––even if it’s 3 a.m and you’re craving a large bowl of mac & cheese, absolutely go for it! I would beat myself up whenever I indulged in my cravings. Guiltiness shadowed over me just for enjoying my food and I felt the need to punish myself. You should never feel guilty for eating. I personally believe that dieting culture has made it hard for a lot of people to look at food without perceiving it as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ Regardless, food is fuel for your body. Believe it or not, food is essential for your body and you should honor your cravings with moderation! Lately, I’ve been practicing making time to eat. If I’m going to eat, I will stop whatever task I am doing. This gives me the opportunity to value the time to eat.
For the first time in a while, I feel myself in control again with food. I am still trying to unlearn these toxic eating habits and I still don’t have a solid relationship with food. However, I recognize that I tend to relapse as a coping-mechanism whenever life feels frantic.
If you’re having a similar experience, know that you are not alone. It was very hard for me to acknowledge that I had a problem before opening up about it. This journey has only become easier for me after I talked about it with supportive loved ones and a professional. Nonetheless, there are plenty of resources available on campus who are more than willing to support you.
Link to Temple University’s wellness resource center: