Despite being an athlete all throughout high school and playing a sport at a D1 level, I’ve recently had to learn how to not be an athlete.
A year ago today, I woke up at 6 a.m. and walked in the cold darkness to rowing practice. My teammates and I completed our erging workout and headed to an hour of weights.
Dressed in the same shirts and black shorts, we’d cheer each other on as we challenged ourselves with heavier lifts than last week. Then, it was off to eat breakfast fast and run to class. This was my routine for 6 days a week.
I’ve been an athlete for as long as I can remember. At an early age, my parents enrolled me in gymnastics, tennis, and swimming lessons; I stuck with swimming for eight years and rowing for seven years.
During high school, I was fully committed and motivated in swimming and rowing. When it became time to decide whether I wanted to continue to row in college, I automatically said yes. I went through the recruiting process and chose a school that I no longer attend.
Through the four years of high school and a year of college, I got used to only getting, at most, two weeks off. I became so accustomed to having difficult workouts 6 days a week and sometimes double days. When I wouldn’t have sports, I’d feel lost as to what to do with my time.
At the end of last school year, I decided I wanted to transfer schools. I entered the transfer portal and started looking at schools, but I slowly realized I didn’t want to be an athlete anymore. I had fallen out of love with rowing and had no more motivation.
I’m someone who not only loves to work out, but I need it to be a functional being. I knew I’d continue, but what would it look like now that I don’t have a training plan?
At first, I worked out for around two hours per day, similar to when I was an athlete. I’d take workouts I did that past year at school and do them at home, constantly challenging myself and still feeling bad when I didn’t improve.
I had nothing to train for and didn’t need to work out six days a week, but I still did. I always felt bad if I missed a workout, even if I didn’t feel well, I still pushed myself to move my body.
I was keeping up my old habits, but soon I started to realize that structure might not be healthy for me.
It took me until September to realize that I can let my body rest. I don’t need to go to the gym six days a week and do hard workouts every time I go to the gym. I struggled with allowing myself to rest and listening to what movement my body needs.
Since realizing this, I’ve become more in tune with what movement my body needs. I am more understanding of the different needs during each phase of my menstrual cycle, and I am more inclined to honor what my body needs.
I wish I could say I have overcome the guilt of taking some days easy or not moving my body, but that wouldn’t be true. It’s a journey that will take time and I need to sit back and be patient.