Why am I so anxious about leaving college life?
I have hit a wall. A very tall brick wall that I cannot seem to find my way around. Graduation, an event many of us college students have worked our way towards so we can say au revoir to adolescence and hello to adulthood. Yet, for a time when I should be ecstatic and jumping off walls overjoyed with excitement, I. Am. Terrified.
Now, you might be thinking that I’m being oddly dramatic for a college student only in her third year. I know that I still have time to enjoy my college days and prepare for ‘the adult world,’ but where do I even begin?
I have spent the past 15 years as a student, and there is no amount of study guides, pop quizzes, textbooks, or Quizlet cheat sheets to guide me on how one should control their anxiety and put an end to my pre-graduation emotional funk.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very tactical and obsessive overthinker. Whether it is my studies, curating a new music playlist, or planning out my dinner options, I overthink every single aspect of my life. I try to prevent any potential error from occurring and have a nice, steady lifestyle. However, my biggest concern is what direction my life will take me once I graduate.
My anxiety over the years has morphed me into becoming comfortable with a certain phase of my life, and I do not know how to say goodbye to this identity I have created in college.
During my senior year of high school, I was quick to end that extremely long and overdrawn journey of my life. I even sped walked across the stage with my fist clutching my diploma so I could leave my graduation as soon as possible. Once I started college, I finally had the chance to start over and curate and new name for myself and begin a new chapter. Yet, three years in, I am still not completely satisfied with the “new me” I dreamed of.
The truth is that I am terrified about the idea of growing up.
Yes, in the eyes of the law, I am very much an adult and can do whatever I want without the permission of my guardians. Still, I was never treated as an adult with actual adult responsibilities after I turned 18 years old. I was still able to come home after my classes, binge-watch movies without a care in the world, and repeat without any financial repercussions. However, after I graduate and move out of my family home, my life is going to be flipped upside down.
I ideally want to move out in the months following graduation and start this new chapter of my life living in a loft-style apartment in the city with my best friend. But with that move comes bills, bills, bills, and more bills.
The increasing cost of living is definitely sparking another concern of mine. Will I even be able to afford my Sex in the City dream maximalist apartment in the city as a fresh out of college adult? How quickly will I secure a job? Should I just stay at home and revisit this impending fantasy lifestyle in a few years?
My anxiety has made me spend every moment of my life trying to create the perfect reality for me and prevent myself from messing up my own future, but realistically, I need to get out of my head.
No matter how much time I spend manifesting and overthinking, I am the sole controller over how my future is shaped, and I need to live in the moment. I can’t waste the little bit of time in college I have left dwelling on the unimportant factors of my life that I am gaslighting myself into thinking will make or break my future.