ICYMI, Arie Luyendyk Jr. sent home three of his remaining nine girlfriends – all of whom are too good for him – Monday night.
The episode begins like all the others before, with the girls scoping out some gorgeous city (this time it’s Paris) while Arie arrives dressed like an Old Navy mannequin. Seriously, the untucked blue polo and khaki look is fine, if you’re blind, but THIS is the man America is supposed to fall in love with. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Chris Harrison what were you thinking?
The difference between this episode and all the others, however, is now that we’re into the single digits of women, things are getting a bit more #serious. Oh, and there’s the two-on-one-date. We’ll get to that later.
Last week, in Episode 5, Tia took things to the next level by telling Arie that she was “falling love with him,” and, needless to say, her “vulnerability” bumped her from side bae to total front-runner. Now, the house fumes with tension to “open up” to the so-called “kissing bandit,” and, gossip about contestants who are here for the wrong reasons.
Once in Paris, Chris Harrison announces that there will be four dates this week. There will be one group date, two one-on-one dates, and one two-on-one. The camera cuts to an interview of Krystal, who’s like “So me, and who else?” Ugh. Nailed it.
The first one-on-one date goes to Lauren, who is unenthusiastic as usual. Arie and Lauren’s date is so boring that I almost hit fast forward (thank god for recordings, am I right?), but then he spills some juice that is just too sticky to walk out on.
Lauren: “It’s hard for me to open up.”
Arie: “I understand. In my most serious relationship I thought I would become a father but my girlfriend had a miscarriage and left me.”
Like, ABC can put a million previews of Krystal saying dumb shit like, “Destiny, it’s gonna happen tonight,” but they can’t find a way to include a brief trigger warning for Arie’s lost child? I’m unsettled. Why was this information not brought up before? And why was it brought up to Lauren, of all people? And why is it not mentioned at any later point in the episode? Damn. Okay. Let’s move on.
Next up is the group date. Arie takes the girls to the Moulin Rouge (which, incase you’re uncultured like me, is the most famous cabaret in the world. Basically an extremely lit Paris Burlesque club.) For the date, the girls practice a dance choreographed by the Moulin Rouge directors. They then perform their dances on stage while Arie gives a couple thumbs ups from the audience like an awkward dad. Cringy. The twist? Well, Tia sums it up pretty well when she says: “They’re [the Moulin Rouge dancers] amazing. But, they’re outfits are thongs. So yeah.”
The rose goes to Arie’s favorite ass – I mean, the best dancer – which happens to be Bekah M. More cringing.
Arie’s second one-on-one date is with Jacqueline. Who’s that, you ask? Yeah, I don’t know either. Turns out she’s a sexy brunette who Arie was previously too intimidated to talk to because she’s also smart.
Jacqueline: “Why don’t you think you would gravitate towards someone intelligent?”
Arie: “Because I nearly dropped out of high school and spend my free time reliving the glory days of my race-car youth.”
Seriously Jacqueline, best of luck in grad school, but that’s not a hard question.
Arie and Jacqueline’s date is basically a re-do of his first date with Becca K. Which, if you missed it, involved him spoiling her with a new wardrobe. As this is his second time spending his date card solely on purchasing expensive clothes, I’m changing his nickname from “the kissing bandit” to “Sugar daddy bachelor,” and it better start trending ASAP.
And now, a zillion “coming up’s” later and Krystal-previews later, we’ve made it to the two-on-one.
First of all, let’s just say that after all the shots of Krystal throwing “glitter” and calling herself “wife material” (glittery wife material), this two-on-one date was pretty damn lame. Like, come on. In Ben H’s season, Olivia Caridi was left stranded on a desolate island in the pouring rain. In JoJo’s season, Chad was abandoned in the woods and then literally hiked back to the mansion because he wanted to “kill Evan.”
This date could have been the perfect opportunity for Kendall to show her wild side and turn Krystal into a new piece for her taxidermy collection, and I’m still confused as to why that didn’t happen. ABC, you blew it.
Instead, this date consists of Arie, in a slightly new shade of his blue/khaki get up, playing hide-and-go-seek in a corn maze. Which, by the way, lasts about three minutes because Krystal cheats and doesn’t close her eyes. After, the girls vent to Arie about each other and he decides he couldn’t hang for a while because he needs more time. Eye roll.
The punch line: “Kendall, will you accept this rose?”
The suitcase is rolled out, the girls at home cheer, and I’m sipping my third cup of tea wondering why what should have been the most earth-shattering moment of this season was so dull.
Ok, byeeee Krystal. I’ll miss your drama but not your voice.
Anyway, it looks like Krystal is off to her Sugar-Bear-Hair interview, and Chelsea and Jenna are close behind her (they get sent home too)
As an aside, I’m wondering if Arie’s season has the Sugar Bear Hair company at all worried? It’s def the largest group of girls with mid-length to short hair in Bachelor history, so it will be a real test to the actual success of these pills. Like, is it worth it? Will Bekah M. grow a mane before BIP? Should I invest? Im genuinely interested.
Stay tuned to see if Arie finds love, lust, or a different colored shirt. It’s coming up.