When I was in high school, going to college out-of-state seemed so glamorous. I was going to be the mysterious friend who rarely posted on their story and during breaks had so many stories to share about my crazy life. I was going to be the one who got out of my small town, the one who conquered college without a safety net, and the one with the flashy wardrobe at the flashy college. To my 18-year-old self who felt claustrophobic in her small school in a small town where everyone knew everybody and my entire extended family was within a 15-minute drive, being a three-hour plane ride away was a dream.
So, I moved. I was packed and ready to go for my first-year move-in, and let me tell you, the first semester of my first year was a blast. So much going on and so many new friends make for the best memories that I still look back on with love. I go home for Christmas with a new boyfriend, new friends, a great living situation, and great grades. I was absolutely jazzed for Christmas break to be over, so I could get back to the new life I had created away from my old one. Then the guilt started to creep in.
Spring semester of first year hit. Around a month into the semester, I get a call from my dad. My dad NEVER calls, he only texts or emails. My uncle was in the hospital with 24 hours left to live due to an underlying condition we never knew about. Heartbroken is not a strong enough word to explain how I felt. My uncle was my guiding light who taught me the joy of 70s music and the value of a good laugh. My friends tried to help me, but it was clear that I was going through so much pain that their hugs were not enough. My parents never outright said it, but there was an undercurrent of disappointment that I was so far away when my family was heartbroken. Small comments made from my family like “please don’t go” or “I can’t talk now because I am dealing with funeral arrangements” made me feel as if I was letting down my family. I could not leave school to be there for them and they could not leave a messy situation to be my support system.
Spring semester of my sophomore year, my sister-in-law announced that she was pregnant with a baby girl due in August. I was so excited because I could FINALLY be there for big moments! After being gone for every big occasion, there was finally something I was going to be able to be a part of and help my family. In March, my mom called me to tell me that my sister-in-law was bleeding and would be giving birth within the next two weeks. My family needed me, I wanted to go home… but in two weeks I had finals. School was, again, a barrier to me being there for my family.
My high school friends, for the most part, did not leave the greater southern California area. So, when birthdays, graduations and holidays come around, everyone still gets together. 20th birthday parties on the beach and surprise visits over weekends clouded my social media, which only continued to feed my guilt about being isolated. I know my friends never deliberately left me out, but there I was, a $400 plane ride away with a two-hour time change, which made it difficult for those surprise visits and get-togethers. Soon, texts stopped and Facetimes stalled as we agreed to catch up during breaks instead of continual updates.
My best friend asked me to come home for the end of her sophomore year before we both leave to study abroad in different countries. I wasn’t able to due to the fact that my final was during that weekend. No one had to tell me, I knew that I broke her heart and mine by association.
Do I still consider my mysterious life as glamorous? No. In fact, most days I resent my naivete that I could do this all on my own without repercussions. But I love my life at college, and compartmentalizing that guilt is a life lesson we all have to learn.
I realized that if I could not compartmentalize my guilt then it would eat at me and destroy the happy life I have in college. My best advice to those going out-of-state is to understand that life will continue to happen as you’re away. Friends will continue to see each other, family issues will still happen, deaths, births, happy moments, sad moments, and you will miss out on things that you wish with your whole heart you could be present for. There is nothing that you can do to stop life, but you can prevent that guilt from isolating you. Keeping up communication and being happy for those around you, even when you can’t be there, has allowed me to put aside some of my guilt. My family and friends do not intentionally isolate me, it just happens for out-of-state students.
I do not have all the answers, as I am still struggling with feeling guilty by association, but I can say compartmentalizing and talking it out with a trusted adult or out-of-state student groups also allowed me to share my feelings with those who understood exactly what I was talking about. I encourage everyone to check up on their out-of-state friends and invite them to talk about their home and family as it eases the guilt of missing out.