You may be wondering, why is an 18-year-old college freshman that just started school less than a month ago writing an article about finding love? You may also be thinking, shouldn’t she be focusing on her studies and making sure that one late assignment gets finished before it becomes two weeks late? You have the right thoughts (I literally think the same way), but I need to take this moment to talk about something horribly serious. Not just to me, but other girls who might be feeling like this. I’m scared. I’m so scared that I might not find love in my life. Aside from my family and my friends, I just don’t feel I’m destined to have that romantic love that we see in the movies. It makes me think, where is my love story with the intense drama and the heavy make-out sessions? Will I ever find love?
Every five seconds, I have momentary lapses where I think about my life. I reflect on all the crap I’ve done from the last 17 years until now. I think about the time missed a step on a flight of stairs in front of a teacher and almost fell on my face, or the time when I forgot the choreography at a dance recital and almost ruined the whole routine. I mainly just think about the embarrassing parts of my life. After I’m done reminiscing about the scary past, I think about the scary future. I try to visualize where I’d see myself in the near and far future, and I’ve got to tell you all, it is not pretty.
Not only do I not see myself in a career, but I can’t picture who will be around me. I know, I shouldn’t be worried about other people and focus on myself, but it’s hard when you live in an extroverted, social, in-need-of-connections world. My future love life looks hella blank, and that scares me so much. So much so, that I am writing about my sad love life to see if any of you relate (so I wouldn’t feel alone). This post might have a lot of complaining and I’ll pour my heart out like it was raining. Know that this is all my story, so you all don’t have to worry. So when push comes to shove, I’ll raise the question for you to know: will I ever find love? Well, I sure hope so.
Like many girls who live in this man’s world, I have a bunch of insecurities that stick with me throughout my day. Does my hair look ok? Does my outfit look good? Is my face looking alright? Is that pimple on my forehead noticeable? How does my body look? Is it pleasing enough? These thoughts race through my head every time I step out of my dorm room and into the public eye. A lot of my insecurities actually come from my hair. I have shed many tears surrounding my hair because I feel it doesn’t match society’s beauty standards. I usually have my hair in braids, but once in a while, I get it straightened and leave it out. I always have my hands in my hair trying to put it down, and I’m so insecure about how it looks. I think it’s because, deep down, I compare myself to the “pretty” girls or the girls deemed the standard because of their long, flowy, silky hair. I grew up watching shows and movies where the main characters always had long hair, and because of this they were seen as beautiful. I never really saw a girl like me shown as the center of attention: a girl with much shorter and very curly hair. This made me kind of believe that, in order to attract a partner, I needed to fit this standard.
Yes, the western beauty standard that has been in our world for years and has floated from country to country eradicating the need for individuality. I once did a research report paper on the western beauty standards (that never got submitted) and I found out some very interesting information. In western beauty standards, there is a high value for the following features on a woman: light skin, small nose, round eyes, narrow face, high cheekbones, petite body, long hair, and slim waist. There’s also a very high value in following the ‘white’ ideal. I’ve heard so many stories about people hating others because they were ‘too dark’ or ‘too black.’ I’ve tried so hard not to let these horrible words get inside my head, but how can I do that when it’s literally everywhere I go?
I also did a presentation on colorism, and I feel that a lot of society’s standards cause colorism-related issues. Colorism is the discrimination against a person’s skin tone that is often found within ethnic or racial groups. I remember in school, boys would always say, “I don’t date black girls. I only date light-skinned or white girls.” The majority of the boys saying that were actually black boys. It’s not just sad that people of your own race are putting black women down, even though they all had the same enemy putting us down before (and even still today); it’s also sad how this has an effect on darker-skinned women. I, for one, have felt these effects, and it’s now one of my insecurities.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being African American and wouldn’t change it for the world, but I sometimes look into the mirror and question myself. Do I look too dark? Is my skin not light enough? I hate to admit this, because it means I’m letting the haters win. But I think about all of the other black girls who have gone through this before, and it makes me very sad. I think we are all beautiful in our own way and there is no ugly person in this world. Some people just don’t realize someone’s beauty and let society’s standards (and their own closed-off minds) control them. It’s so damaging, because after a while of hearing something, you start to believe it. Then your self-respect and self-confidence snap like a dried-up twig on the street.
Before I get too much into this, I want to start to wrap up. I just want to mention one more insecurity that I always think about on a daily basis— and that is my skinny-ass self. Yes, I have no junk in my trunk, no meat in my thighs, and no hips like Shakira. My younger sister literally has more thickness than me, and for some reason, that worries me. I am a twig and I hate it! To add more to the beauty standards, thickness and the hourglass shape have become very desirable. I always tell my parents that I’m too skinny and need to gain weight, and they give me the side-eye, but when I look in the mirror, I’m a skinny square. I don’t mean to complain about something such as this, but I just get really insecure about my body and how it looks. Maybe it’s the mirror being a pain or maybe I just have eye problems, but I just don’t like how skinny I look. I fear that this too could tarnish my attractiveness.
Why is love so subjective? And why can’t everyone just be acceptive of different looks, instead of judging people by the cover of their books, and ruining their self-esteem by being hella mean? Why do people have to be ignorant and not appreciate the different styles of beauty, whether with or without a big booty? I don’t know if (or when) I will be able to send a wedding invitation to my friends that says my single life has come to an end, because I don’t know if I will ever find some guy to see the me inside of me. My many insecurities and my lack of maturity make me doubt true love, and make me throw away my chance like a dirty glove. Is it too late, or is it just not in my fate, to be happy and not crappy, and attractive and maybe captive, to the living eye of some girl or guy? So when push comes to shove, I’ll raise the question for you to know: will I ever find love? Well, I sure hope so.