Disclaimer: The author has changed/edited all names and parts of the story in order to respect the privacy of those involved.
In the history of the human experience, we can count on our fingers the milestones and moments we believe we are entitled to have. Unfortunately, not all of our teenage dreams and prayers are answered in the way we want them to. In honor of the milestones that were a bit rocky, here are eleven “first kiss stories” as hilariously re-told by anonymous students that tripped getting there.
Entry One: The Bible Study
“It was my first girlfriend during the summer going into my senior year, I know it’s late so *****ing sue me. Her name was Kristen, and she was blonde; it was a month into the talking phase, she was hella religious and into abstinence, so she liked taking it slow- her words not mine. Anyways, we were hanging out in her house. She brings me down to her basement to play Mario Kart. Instead, she said she wanted to kiss me; it was my first one and I was so awkward so as I leaned in, I started laughing. This happened three times before we kissed for three minutes. I am so embarrassed by it.”
- Sean, 20.
Entry Two: The Shot on the iPhone Campaign
“My first real kiss was a dare during my junior year of high school… during a scavenger hunt. He was an alumni, and it was for extra points- of course I had a crush on him when he was still in school, but that’s beside the point. We kissed and his hands were on my face while my iPhone 6 camera was recording on flash right in his. I then asked him for eggs- not to eat of course gosh…. but for another dare. It was slobbery.”
- Jamie, 19.
Entry Three: The Team Player
“It was in the beginning of college, and I finally kissed this cute girl and yeah we did some other things. We stopped hooking up, and now she’s very happy with her girlfriend. It’s been three years and I still don’t hear the end of it. Haven’t told anyone about getting with other people since.”
- Kevin, 20.
Entry Four: The Case of Tonsillitis
“Oh God I don’t know. Okay so it was at “The Catch” in LBI; A teen club going into sophomore year of high school, and I was nervous because we were intoxicated- am I, I can’t say that can I? We were dancing to a cringy-weird song I can’t remember now but it was his first kiss too. He spun me around and pulled me in, but his tongue touched my tonsils. It was so gross and lasted only like a minute.”
- Peyton, 22.
Entry Five: The Broken Neck
“It all started with… your mom. No okay, it was so awkward- it was with the first girl I’ve ever talked to, and I go over to her house after school and we’re just chilling watching Netflix then we see her mom roll in the driveway, so I had to sneak out but before I left, she grabbed my hand, told me to wait and kissed me but I didn’t know how to. I was caught so off guard that I pushed my head back so fast. Then I asked her to be my girlfriend, but we broke up 2 weeks later.”
- Britney, 18.
Entry Six: The Real-Life Risky Business
“The year was 2014, in eighth grade. Her parents didn’t like me but that’s okay because later at their house they were gone. They weren’t home, it was late afternoon, we’re kissing, tusslin’, the pants come off. It’s not bad- but then we get a notification that the garage door was opened. Run up the stairs, cannot find my shoes anywhere, then I look back at the garage door and her 6’4 dad is standing in the doorway. I finally grab my shoes and I *****ing sprinted home. They then called my parents.”
- Matt, 22.
Entry Seven: The Standing Ovation
“So… it was my junior year of high school, and my youth group had a retreat and there was a dance. I met this boy earlier that day and told my friends I thought he was cute- they of course went right to his friend to see if it could happen. It felt like an arranged marriage. We were all dancing in this little circle and I made sure to stand as far away from him as possible of course; I think he finally was over it and grabbed my hand and led me to the back of the room. He asked me if I had ever kissed someone but obviously, I said no and then he said ‘Wanna try?’ I swear tongue and everything. After it was done, I saw a clump of my friends clapping and cheering.”
- Hannah, 20.
Entry Eight: The Dunkin Do-Not
“It was freshman year of high school, and we were finally kissing on the kitchen counter. The only problem was the fact that I saw his teeth right before he went in for the deep dive- and there was still a Dunkin breakfast sandwich in between. It was so friggin gross, now every time someone kisses me, I have to check subconsciously to make sure there’s nothing there lurking.”
- Justin, 21.
Entry Nine: The Equation
“It was during, I’ll say seventh or eighth grade, there was a club called, “The Catch ” in LBI in the summer. I met a girl named Kara at the club, and at the time she was in high school. On impulse, I picked her up and tilted her, moochin’ her and sucking face. I gave her a call to go to the beach and she asked me how old I was, what high school, what classes, to which I said, “Advanced Math.” She knew I was bulls***ing. I said, ‘Hey, uh, maybe we should take off our pants.” She ignored that statement and talked about doing it again some time…. we didn’t see each other after that.”
- Timmy, 18.
Entry Ten: The Dip Disaster
“My first kiss was my sophomore year of college, and it was with a frat boy in my den at my housemate’s 21st birthday party. At the party there was sour cream chips and French onion dip and I guess that’s all he ate; it was horrendous because that was all I could taste. He then asked if I wanted to go back to his house even though I lived there, which means he didn’t know who I was. He then made out with the birthday girl. I almost puked over the taste the next morning.”
- Danielle, 20.
Entry Eleven: The Line Up
“It was this girl’s going away party, and we had hung out multiple times before then. She was moving and I was never going to see her again, so at the end of the night I leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek, and she wanted more so we ended up kissing. I was so excited until I found out she had done that to every other guy at the party.”
- Marc, 21.
Whatever the circumstances, to whomever you shared them with, remember to stop and take in each of life’s messy moments; what once brought a cringe to your face can now bring nothing but smiles and laughter. In short, be blissfully present.