Dear Freshmen,
Remember me? The girl who took the time to write down all of that great advice about a week ago? I tried to talk some sense into you. I tried to stop you from making the same mistakes my friends and I have made. You didn’t pay attention to a word I wrote, did you?
Nope. And, in all fairness, I really didn’t expect you to.
So, now it’s the morning after and we’re on damage control. Once you’ve managed to stop staring at the ceiling, lost in feelings of shame and praying to a merciful god that you’ll just throw up and get it over with, consider beginning the healing process with these tips.
1. Things are only awkward if you make them awkward
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Let me begin by saying that if anyone knows awkward, it’s me. Throughout my 20 years on this earth, it’s been almost unanimously agreed upon by those that know me that a more socially inept person has not, and will not, walk this planet. Therefore, I have had plenty of experience practicing what I’m preaching. No situation is inherently awkward; it becomes awkward if those involved in it make it so. Let’s say you hooked up with the guy in your Intro to Poetry class at a party on Saturday. Monday’s going to be really awkward, right? Not necessarily. Chances are, he’s just as nervous as you are. Take the initiative and diffuse the situation. If you both acknowledge that the hookup happened, and that it’s no big deal, it’ll be much easier to move past it. Letting your hookup become the elephant in the room is uncomfortable for the both of you, and is only going to end up making the situation worse.
Of course, if the direct approach doesn’t work for you, you could always try to…
2. Pretend it never happened.
You would be surprised at how effective this technique actually is. Don’t have the guts to talk openly about your brief romance over the keg? Then don’t mention it. Talk to your Intro to Poetry hookup as though nothing ever happened. More than likely, he’ll play along, and you’ll both be spared some embarrassment. Let’s change the scenario up a bit, though. Let’s say your ticket aboard the Mortification Express wasn’t a hookup, but an ill-timed offering to the Porcelain Gods. Sure, you might think everyone saw you ralph behind the Sigma Pi house, but if you play dumb about it, you might just get away with it. That’s because…
3. People don’t pay as much attention to you as you think that they do.
Sure, your most recent embarrassing escapade might have seemed earth-shattering to you, but in reality, you were probably the only one who noticed it. I can personally attest that I have very little interest in things that do not involve me. Therefore, unless you actually threw up on me, your rough night probably didn’t even appear on my radar. We tend to make huge deals of out things that no one else even remembers happening. Don’t sweat the small things; we’ve all embarrassed ourselves, and we probably won’t hold your actions against you, if we’ve even realized that they’ve happened at all. Unless you do something really, really stupid. Like Julia Stiles’ strip tease in “10 Things I Hate About You” stupid. In this case, the only thing you can possibly do is…
4. Laugh it off.
Let’s face it, you’ve embarrassed yourself and you know it. You now have two options: find a nice rock to crawl under for the rest of the semester, or make the best of it. Joke about it before anyone else has the chance to; if you beat others to the punch line, chances are they’ll forget about the incident much more quickly. After all, what’s the fun of teasing someone if she makes all of the jokes first?
Now, try your best to stay out of trouble next time, ok?
Good luck,
Shaun Fitzpatrick