Like many others, I have a vast fear of disappointing those I care about. It could be friends, family, or heck even people who I just met. When I was filling out college applications I would stare at the first page for what felt like ages because I did not know how to answer what should have been the most straightforward question “what is your major?” I was pushed towards sciences for most of my life that it felt like my only options were Biology, Chemistry, or Physics. All subjects my family wanted me to go into, or I could go with the things that made me happy, like English and Art. I ended up picking what everyone expected of me and it left me feeling very lost in my first semester of college. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the idea of ending up on the Pre-Med track, I love to help people in any way I can. I also enjoyed the Hospital setting very much because I practically grew up in it.
SO WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?
That at the end of the day, I still did not feel like me. I would look at my hometown friends and saw how passionate they were about the things they picked. Music Therapy, Violin, Musical Theater, all things that more “traditional parents” would be confused about at first, but they went for it anyway because of how much love they have for it. I found myself feeling almost jealous of how much devotion they had for what they were doing. Even when it got hard, or people would say they couldn’t have a successful career, they kept going because at the end of the day it’s their calling, and I wanted something like that.
I took all of my prereqs in high school hence I didn’t have much time in college to experiment with different lectures because whatever I would take was counting towards my major. I felt bad if I took classes I would not end up needing because then that meant I was using my FAFSA and scholarships on things I would not use. Yes, gaining knowledge in any sense is beneficial, but it made me feel guilty. I was raised a certain way where if what i’m doing is not pushing my career forward then it’s considered “a waste.” Colleges do a great job telling us it’s okay to switch your major whenever you feel like you have to, doesn’t matter how far into the major you are. However, that’s a hard feeling for a lot of students because then we might feel like we’re behind, wasted time, or just the sense of disappointing ourselves. Not that any of that is true, yet the anxiety and stigma of having to graduate in 4 years and being at a certain point in your life every year can be overwhelming.
Currently, I’m a double major in two things that I enjoy but now I’m just thinking about the next step. Which is what to do after you graduate. I have a plan for now of how I want to proceed, still, it’s not something that came to me effortlessly. It took a lot of planning and writing different options out. I know I’m not the only one, a lot of my friends are in the same boat of having many different paths and not knowing which one is right. College is very scary because you can spend so much time on something and still feel like something’s missing. There’s no exact roadmap to how to handle it. For most, you have school since you were in Pre-K and you are in school for 12 years until it’s finally time to graduate. Then you are thrown into the world and you realize that these 12 years didn’t exactly prepare you for no longer being in the routine.
Everyone has different paths and these are not always things we choose due to underlying circumstances or just being scared.
Writing this article was mainly a way for me to say what goes on in my head all the time and in case other students have the fear of just not knowing what they are doing.