No one told me how much it would hurt.
It’s such a simple thing, really, an understandable want, a human craving
But there’s a difference between deciding that you’d like it every once in a while
Or just feeling like you could use some of it on certain occasions
Versus needing it like you need air to breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe, it hurts so much.
Hurts not to get that wonderful feeling of skin on skin
The loving hugs, the gentle touches brushing across your arms and legs
That addicting feeling of lips on skin, lips on lips
My heart aches to get a taste of that affection
Abounding, pouring from someone else’s lips or fingertips
Love flowing from their body and melding into mine
Wrapping around me like a warm blanket, cocooning me
A kiss on the cheek here,
A loving embrace there
How nice and warm it must feel
To be on the receiving end of that overflowing passion…
I wouldn’t know, of course.
I have always been one to give all of myself.
To crack open my heart
And let my love for others spill out
Frenzied but purposeful, my inner Pandora’s box
I cling desperately onto others
In the hopes that they can feel my wanting radiating off of me
(although the prideful side of mine hates showing it)
And maybe, just maybe, please-
-maybe they would feel it too and return it back to me-
But of course not.
Because nobody needs me as much as I need them.
I crave the feeling of being needed
Of someone’s hands reaching out in desperation
Just to touch me
Just to hold me in their arms
To feel skin brushing against skin
To want to grab on and never let go
Just like I do
The aching never seems to go away
Painful, spreading across my entire chest
Hurting, it really hurts.
It hurts so bad that sometimes all I can do is
Lay still and let the tears pool
Grabbing onto silky, soft and fluffy fabric
And intentionally mistaking it for skin
For the feeling of someone’s head buried into the crook of my neck
I wrap my arms around myself and pretend
Pretend someone loves me enough to want to hold me in their arms
Never letting me go, needing me desperately
I try to pretend all the pain away.
It must be nice not to need affection so strongly,
To be able to enjoy your own company
Offering yourself the comfort you need
Meeting with loved ones occasionally
But otherwise peacefully going through the days
Fully satisfied
Alone, but never lonely.
Though you’ll never catch me alone, my loneliness pervades.