Being sad. We’ve all been there. And if you clicked on this article, you’re likely experiencing that exact sensation right now. Whatever it is you’re going through, everyone goes through feeling like they’re not ok. And I’m here to tell you, ironically, that that’s ok.
Now, I’m not going to write to you about how being sad is always temporary, and you’ll get over it eventually, because honestly? That’s not always true. Some things stay with us for weeks, months, years — even a lifetime. And that’s part of life, a lot more than perfection is. I’m not a pessimist, quite the opposite, actually. But we need to unlearn the outdated idea that happiness only exists in the absence of sadness.
I’ll start with a personal story because if I’m going to sit here and preach that happiness is possible regardless of your emotions, I owe you proof that I’m not just some perpetually problem-free person. An example that you can probably relate to is romance. Fancy, right? All fun and games until you have an unrequited crush, or you break up with your boyfriend of 6 months because it just isn’t working anymore. Both situations I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing.
At first, that feeling of loss or sadness was completely consuming. And it didn’t get easier the second, or third, or fourth time. But I had classes, I didn’t have time to be sad! So, like most people probably do, I shoved the feelings deep inside, locked them up, and threw away the key.
And as soon as classes ended, I cried on the couch and single-handedly destroyed a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy.
This is a cycle many of us know well, whether your comfort of choice is ice cream or alcohol. Get hurt, ignore the feelings, break and comfort yourself, and wake up feeling worse. Hurt can consume you for months, and it can be frustrating. Why was I still crying over a boy I met briefly at summer camp six months later? Looking back, I wish I had asked this question earlier. I had always chalked it up to the fact that I was fairly emotional. And while this was true, I definitely drew out my suffering a lot longer than I had to… right?
Wrong. The issue with the hurt-ignore-break-repeat cycle is that it makes things hurt more rather than longer. I’m a strong believer that everything takes time to heal. And that while we can speed up the process, the focus should be on what we can do to help heal better rather than faster. If you get a cut in your leg, the stitches and antibiotics aren’t to help it heal faster (although that is a side effect). They’re there to make sure that the skin heals over with minimal scarring and that you don’t have to deal with an infection that could cause more damage. We need to treat emotional bruises, cuts, and scrapes the same way.
So: we’ve identified the cycle that causes us pain and why it does. If we ignore sadness, we’re letting it fester – that cut is getting infected. If we keep going about our lives like normal, ignoring our issues, they get worse and worse until we can’t help but pay attention to them. Often, by the time we need to deal with the issues, they’re a lot worse than they started off.
If I had to guess what you were thinking right now, I’d say it’s pretty close to, “Ok, Ariela, I get it. I SUCK at dealing with my issues. Now what?” I want to clarify that I’m not saying that you’re bad at dealing with your emotions if you relate to this cycle. Again, the only reason I know it exists is that I’ve lived it countless times. However, I can help with the second half of that: now what? I’ve spent a third of an article talking about how bad this method of dealing with issues is. What’s the solution?
Let yourself be sad. Not in the middle of the night after two weeks of pretending you’re ok, and not when it works with your schedule. When you’re sad, when something is consuming you, do your best to schedule some time for yourself to let yourself be upset about whatever you need to be. Listen to breakup songs! Sing every Taylor Swift song you know at the top of your lungs! Scream in your car about someone you’ve only known for two days! Eat ice cream! Write! Go to the gym! The feelings are never going to leave if you let them sit inside your heart and rot. However you relax and let emotions out, you have to do it. The only way to start a healing process is to accept that there’s something you need to heal from. And remember that nothing is too insignificant or too stupid to need to be sad over.
And once you’ve let yourself be sad, then you can go about addressing your problem. But not first. Personally, I set timers for smaller issues. I let myself be sad for an hour, and when the timer goes off, I start addressing my issues. You can set yourself whatever limit you want – an hour, a day, a week, or no limit at all. But once you’ve allowed yourself to listen to what your heart is complaining about, you’ll find that the hurt feels different.
It won’t be gone — not by any means. But maybe that heartbreak that was making you resent couples in public quiets to a sad pang. The song you danced to with your ex-best friend doesn’t make you cry anymore, but it still hurts a little. Allow the sadness to sit in your heart — the more you try to force it out, the more space it will take up — but try not to focus on it. Finally, try to shift your focus to the positive things in your heart. The more attention you give something, the more it grows, so pay attention to the good. Make a list of things you’re thankful for and tell your friends you love them. Eventually, you’ll find that thing you were sad about? It doesn’t take up much space at all.