My roommates are interesting people. They decided to help me write an article tonight. These are their tips for getting the perfect man.
Disclaimer: one of them is single and the other constantly bullies her boyfriend. Try to guess which one said what. Here’s a brief bio of them.
Madison
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Blonde
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Went on a rant about the shape of Thin Mints and the lack of shape of her body
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Thinks she’s better than everyone else for being 20
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Thinks drinking iced coffee is part of her personality (she just said, “yeah, and it is.”)
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Can speak 15% of Spanish (if we’re being generous)
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Really into the fact that she’s blonde
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“Everyone else in the first grade was really stupid and I wasn’t.”
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Most Likely to be Found Complaining on Her Finsta while Studying at Evans
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Probably going to die of a stress induced heart attack next year
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Really good calligraphy
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Thinks she’s a lot funnier than she is
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Has good creative skills though (hate to admit it)
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Good taste in music (not as good as mine though)
Gauri
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Came into college with 60 credit hours
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Big finance girl
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Never having her keys is part of her personality
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We’ve had our lock changed multiple times because of her
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One of the best glo ups I’ve ever seen
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Used to slap people with her braid from 3rd-5th grade
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Dresses nice every single day and it’s terrifying (probably because she’s a finance major)
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Cooks breakfast at 3pm
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Pinned skittles to our wall and deemed them our “Emergency Skittles”
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“On paper, I look dumb thicc”
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Actually funny (funnier than Madison)
Anyway, here are the tips.
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Drop all hopes and expectations
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Stop searching for a man above 5’11” (they don’t exist)
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St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, so we only respect leprechauns this year. Where my 3’5” men at?
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Prepare yourself for constant disappointment (couldn’t spell disappointment, I’m already disappointing myself)
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Howl at the moon (guys love outdoorsy girls)
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Follow him to all of his classes but don’t say anything just so it looks like you’re playing hard to get
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Give him meal trades
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Consistently ask him “why don’t you love me?” when he won’t text you back
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Send feet pics (your grandpa’s feet, men love maturity)
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Call his mom and tell her you’re his girlfriend
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Take him to Chili’s
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Ask him if he wants to go extreme couponing with you (we stan a frugal man)
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Deliver him a fresh loaf of bread that you hand bake for him every morning
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Watch Dog with a Blog with him
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Show him your journal entries (it’s just Magna Carta 1215)
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Sniff his hair in class and try to determine what shampoo he uses
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Gift him the shampoo he uses
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Buy him a lizard
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Send him texts in the font Wingdings
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Constantly degrade him (actually works)
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Realize asexual reproduction is the future
I hope you all find the perfect man with these great tips! Make sure to share with your friends! Tweet me who you think said what! @nuvvaves ;)