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I’m not lying when I say that I’m happy for you. 

And for them. 

I’m just omitting the fact that

Seeing you all together

Stabs me in places I didn’t know my heart had.

Does it complete you?

The hand-holding, the lunch dates

The sunset walks where you all laugh,

And whisper to each other,

“What’s next?”

The nights spent together,

Playful mornings.

Adoration for someone

Even in the simplest of moments.

That’s all it takes. 

I don’t know of love, as you speak of it.

It’s something that haunts my dreams,

Taunts me as I walk about,

Out of my reach.

A cruel cackle of what I could have,

But may never get.

And I know, it’s a selfish thought of mine.

To think all the couples I see daily

Are placed by the universe to spite me.

To isolate me.

I know that’s not true.

My logic is trying to keep my mind sound,

But my emotions are ablaze,

Agony raging through every part of me it can find.

I am not the only one standing alone,

But why does it feel like it?

You tell me it’s just not the right time.

“Love will find you when you’re ready.”

You tell me I have too much time.

“You need to get out there and find someone.”

You tell me my youth gives me time,

“You’re too young to worry about things like this.”

Yet you remind me that youth slips away.

“Well sweetheart, you’re not getting any younger.”

If this was a movie,

Perhaps I could have some faith in your words.

Maybe I just need to wait

Until my stars align with his.

But this isn’t a movie.

Life isn’t fair.

False consolation doesn’t hide the truth.

You’re just as clueless as I am.

There’s nothing either of us can do.

So for now, 

I’ll just go on.

As I hear the pained words of date plans,

See sharpened edges of engagement rings,

And send regrets for weddings I can’t bear to attend

Because I hate dancing alone,

I’ll keep walking myself home.

Lonesome lunches.

Spending my holidays and weekends

Wiping my own tears away,

Because of how utterly sick I am,

Of being by myself

When everyone else has their someone.

How I wish to be enamored with someone,

And how much more I wish to have someone be enamored with me.

But even after all of that,

I’ll be the keeper of my own hell,

And I’ll still keep dreaming.

Because what else can I do?

Until then.

Hey, I'm Alyssa! I'm an International Studies major from Laredo, TX. I spend most of my time cramming (or pretending to) in Evans Library. When I'm not doing that, I'm eating, listening to music, or watching 1 of 3 Netflix Series for the nth time.
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