Silence. The phrase quiet as a church mouse finally made sense. Marilyn would snort if pin-pricks of anxiety weren’t stabbing her chest. Ignoring the fact that her heart weighed a kilogram, Marilyn repeated herself.
“I’m pregnant.”
Only the squeak of the fan circling the ceiling acknowledged the words Marilyn spoke into existence. Tobe still sat there with a blank expression on his face. It was as if her words were white noise.
Pressing on, Marilyn started to speak, a speech she had almost perfected with the amount it ran on repeat in her head, leaving her lips.
“I made an appointment” -a scratch behind the ear- “with planned parenthood”-she pursed her lips, hoping the brain-dead Tobe could follow her train of thought. “To talk”-her tongue felt heavy, and her vision started to become cloudy, but she blinked away the mist- “about…” God, she really wanted Tobe to say something, unless it was demeaning, of course. “My options,” the word options squeaked out of her, similar to the squeak of the fan.
Her fingers started picking at the carpet. Man, this carpet was brittle. She needed to buy a new one, something light. Pastels were all the rage, but how long until the age started to show on a light color. It would probably be best to invest in a darker color. But a darker color would make her already small bedroom smaller. God, when she started making big girl money, as her older sister liked to call it, she was going to get away bigger space, with a small patio, of course. But alas, she had another three semesters before graduation.
Directing her attention back to Tobe, she wondered how long this relationship was going to last. She only wanted to have a little fun with a little commitment. But with the statue act that he was presenting to her, she didn’t think this was going to be the next iconic couple.
Blowing out a resigned breath, she snapped her fingers in front of his face–
He blinked!
Flinching, Marilyn blew out a breath. Guess he was more responsive than she thought. Picking at the carpet again, she coughed awkwardly.
“But umm,”-five blinks and a ragged inhale in -“I’m pretty sure” -like 99.999999 repeating forever–“that um”-when would Tobe finally step up and speak? “I’m gonna”-why were the words so hard to speak? She must’ve said them a thousand times over in the shower this morning, but when she actually needed the word to fall easily from her lips, she froze up? Seriously? “you know…” Marilyn whispered the words, alluding to the act.
Tobe didn’t react, shocker.
Huffing an annoyed sigh, Marilyn whispered the word as quickly as she could.
“Abortion.”
The word screamed in the otherwise quiet room.
Five blinks, two aggressive arm scratches, and one ragged inhale later…
“I’m not really,” -cue the awkward cough- “you know,” Tobe would understand, right? -“ready to be,” what was the word again, ha -“well…” and now her nose was running -“to be,” to be or not to be; that is the question, isn’t it, Shakespear?- “you know,” God, why did she have to sound like a broken record-“a mom.”
Marilyn exhales, relieved the words are out there. Rubbing her hands against her legs aggressively, she tilts her head, considering.
“Like, I want to be a mom–” wait, back-pedal, back-pedal “–someday,” Marilyn stresses the word, determined to make her meaning clear. “Not today,” she says, resolved. “But someday?” she smiles to herself, imagining swinging a little mini her in a swing set at the playground. “In the future,” she says in a wistful tone, “far in the future.”
“But not like, right now, you know?” the words rush out of her. Grabbing a pillow from the floor, she hugs it to her chest. Sniffling, she opens and closes her mouth like a fish out of water.
Now onto the hard question…
“But, umm…” Marilyn chews on her lip. The taste of salt touches her tongue. Wiping away a stray tear with a furious swipe, she forces the words out of her. “I’d like it if, you, umm, you came with me?” She gulps, waiting for a second, feeling like she just vomited. Why did the words you came with me have to be an octave higher than her normal voice?
Marilyn scrunches her nose and blows out a sigh. Pressing forward, she continues: “I told my sister and all,” -she was the first to be called after the far too late period- “but well, she’s in Chicago right now.” Marilyn gestured far away as if that would somehow magically explain her statement. Pursing her lips, Marilyn tilted her head, explaining her reasoning. “Flights are expensive.” Nodding, Marilyn smiled a little as she summarized her conversation with her sister. “She said she’d come, and like, support.” But? “But I don’t want to put more on her,” Marilyn rushed to say, needing to voice the real reason she wasn’t pushing for her sister to be by her side at this very moment. She didn’t want to be a burden, and well, she knew she wasn’t a burden. But it’s best to come up with a more optimal solution than dragging her sister hundreds of miles to Texas.
“But like,” nibbling her lip again, Marilyn released an exhausted sigh. In a too quiet voice, she voiced her needs. “I kinda really need someone” -Tobe puts his hand over hers, offering her a little comfort that sent warm fuzzies to her belly- “to come with, and well, I’d like it if you came with.”
Wait! What if he said no or something cause abortion is frowned upon in Texas? They never covered this!
In a lowered, more commanding voice, Marilyn said, “but if you don’t support my decision” -which screw you and your values if that’s the case, you’re not the one being forced to care for a baby full term and potentially derail your life and everything- “I can find someone else to come with me.”
Marilyn blinked at the persisted silence. “But if you umm, do, like, if you do support my decision, could you come?” Marilyn finished, her shoulders tense as she waits for whatever Tobe will say.
Peeling her gaze away from a spot on the floor, she looks to him, hope and tears in her eyes. Goddamn tears, Marilyn thinks as she feverishly wipes at her cheeks. She sniffles as he nods his head. The first words to flow from his lips lifts a weight off her, allowing her to take a deep breath.
“Whatever you need,” he whispers.
.
Disclaimer about Abortion in Texas:
In Texas, due to the heart-beat law, it is illegal to get an abortion after six weeks. Most women do not know they are pregnant until after six weeks. Six weeks pregnant is two weeks after a missed period.