I started this year by writing a letter titled “Dear 2022.” This letter was intended to stand as a constant reminder of where I want to be. The person I hope to become. And also the friend and daughter who is there for the people around her. While this letter has been my own personal manifestation, I have also come to realize that to be the support system for others, I must advocate for myself first.
As a psychology major, I have always been fascinated by the human mind. The idea that every human has different complex neural pathways formed by vastly unique experiences is a hard concept to grasp. But, thinking in terms of brain chemistry and neurotransmitter systems, our brains are extremely beautiful and hardworking and are all different from one another. When thinking about all that our brains do for us, it seems magical that we are here, living, breathing, thinking, feeling, learning, loving, or even hurting. Through every experience in life, even if it doesn’t feel like it, our brains are learning. Each new sound, smell, or sight adds to a pre-existing neural pathway. Through every experience we have -whether it be a core memory or an insignificant conversation with a stranger- we are learning. That is a pretty amazing concept if you ask me.
While I spend numerous hours studying the brain, researching mental health, and also being involved in a mental health organization that focuses on ending the negative stigma surrounding mental health, somewhere along the way, I stopped checking in with myself.
I run the social media for the mental health organization, where I post about the importance of meditation, mindfulness, affirmations, the impact of stress on our bodies, journaling, manifesting, and so many other tips for mental health. So, why is it that I stopped taking the advice I was giving others? Why is it important for me to share others’ stories, but not speak my own truth and struggles with mental health?
For me, this stops now. I love being an advocate for others and their mental health journeys. It is inspiring to hear what others have gone through and see how they have advocated for themselves to get the help they need. Now, it’s my turn. While all of these things are so important, and I am honored to be in the position to share these vulnerable stories, I realized that my mental health was not in check. And to be honest, I was really struggling.
My anxiety was telling me that my thoughts were always in line with reality, even though they weren’t. My brain had convinced me that it was too late in college to find supportive friends who would hear me out without judgment, but I was wrong. My mind has felt like it has been on overdrive, and I internalized this for months. Eventually, I felt like one more tiny stressor would cause me to snap, and I found myself feeling nostalgic for the person I was just six months ago. Instead of continuing to post advice and recommendations, I finally realized that it was time for me to take my own advice.
A few weeks ago, I reached out to someone from Her Campus. With shaky hands, I drafted a text to a member, asking if she would want to get coffee sometime. I felt as if I was asking someone on a date and the anxiety was overwhelming. I haven’t told her this, but I cried on the drive to the coffee shop, anxious about everything that could go wrong, afraid I would say the wrong thing, and fearful of not being the person she thought I was. Thankfully, this was not the case. Once again, my anxiety convinced me that my thoughts would be reality.
Instead, I made a friend. I met someone who has experienced similar things to me. Someone who has pushed me to pick up old hobbies. Someone who has made me feel that my anxiety does not define me, and someone who I can be myself around without fear of judgment. I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and not letting the fear of what could go wrong stop me from putting myself out there. I was able to voice my frustration with myself and how I was mad at myself for not taking my advice. Instead of judging me, she shared resources to help me, advice for how scary taking the step towards advocating for my mental health can be, and most importantly, helped to validate my feelings.
If you would have asked me two weeks ago if I would see a doctor to discuss my mental health, I’m not sure what my answer would be. I was internalizing my struggles for so long, putting on a facade of having everything together, when inside, I was struggling. While she may never know the true extent of my gratitude, I want to say thank you. You know who you are, and I didn’t know how much I needed that extra push until I got it. I wouldn’t be getting the help I need without you.
I am advocating for myself now to continue to advocate for others. To anyone struggling with mental health, please talk to someone. Don’t keep it bottled inside, and please know that your mental illness does not define you. The right people will love you how you are, will support you, and will be the advocate you might have never known you needed.