i think,
finally,
i’ve outgrown the consuming desire
to be in a relationship that’s like fire,
that burns so bright
but hurts so bad.
–
maybe it’s the way i was raised.
but in my head,
love can’t exist in the absence of pain.
but i think i’m finally done
only being attracted
to the things that can hurt me.
–
a moth to a flame, some might say,
in the way that warm feeling
always precedes a horrible burn.
i want the warm feeling
like the sun on my face on the beach,
not like a hand drawing nearer a stove.
–
i used to think i’d only grow
if i got hurt, over
and
over.
but no, there’s growth in love,
in light, in warmth, in family.
–
i think it’s because i was afraid of not having passion.
if there was no yelling, no fighting,
he didn’t care.
so i sought out those who would fight with me,
who would break me clean in half
because i couldn’t see my value as a whole.
–
but i’m scared to love like that,
to love without pain.
because if i don’t practice getting hurt
and i lose that type of love,
if i love without a safety net of hate,
i think i’d bury myself in the ground in its absence.