Since before I can remember, I have had a label. Whether it was an unflattering nickname given to me by my parents at birth or a word hurtled at me by a school-yard bully, there has always been something from someone else attached to my identity. Sometimes these labels are harmless or endearing, but more often than not, they are like bright red stains on our self-concept.
When I was in middle school I went through many phases, as most of us do. There was a span of a few months when I was obsessed with dip-dying my hair neon colors with Kool Aid – yes I said dying my hair with Kool Aid – that I can look back on now and laugh at. Others however, left me with scars that I have carried for years. During one of my “phases” I had my mind set on being liked and befriended by the “popular” clique. Never mind the fact that we literally had no common interests and I had not previously associated with any of them, I just decided it was my new mission to be valued by someone who seemed to have it all. Slowly but surely, I ended up creating connections with these kids and my naive mind really thought I had made it to the big leagues. All of this would have been fine and dandy, except for the fact that the people in my new “group” were kind of rebellious and my parents were some of the strictest ones I knew. I couldn’t go out with them all the time, and I definitely was not allowed to go to any unsupervised “hang outs” because my parents simply did not roll that way. This obviously made me greatly upset with my parents (even though now I am beyond grateful for their protection) but it never occurred to me that my friends saw it as anything more than a little obstacle.
On Halloween in my seventh grade year, that beautiful bubble of “popularity” burst all over my Minnie Mouse costume. My friends were bouncing from house party to house party, with no curfew or supervision, and my parents only allowed me to go to one house for a couple of hours. This was a win for me in those days, and I was ecstatically texting everyone trying to pinpoint exactly when they would like to meet up. I was having a great night and I felt like I was being given some true freedom, until the text that ended my middle school world came through. Flashed across my old iPhone were bold letters saying “Ashton honestly, we kind of find you annoying. It really is just so annoying for us to always have to be worrying about you and your parents’ rules so it’s probably best you just don’t come over tonight”. I think I stared at those words for longer than I’d like to admit. All of a sudden, the rug was ripped out from underneath me. Not only did I feel like I was losing my friends, now I was something I had never been before–“annoying”. Sure I had my insecurities about this or that, but one thing that had never crossed my mind was the possibility that I was annoying. From then on out, I walked around school with my shoulders slumped with the weight of an imaginary sign with big letters spelling out A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. It wasn’t even conscious, but because someone told me I was annoying, I started to act as if I was. I didn’t fact check that adjective with myself and deem it incorrect, I didn’t listen when my best friend told me it wasn’t true and I certainly didn’t consider that maybe it was just a mean word spewed by a silly middle school girl. Suddenly in my world, I was annoying and everyone else thought so too.
This is just one of many examples of this labeling that we as people, but especially as women, endure throughout our lives. We can “believe” superficially that we are not what others say we are, but then ultimately we start living and treating ourselves based on these labels. We stop talking about the things we are passionate about because someone told us we were “too loud”. We don’t wear our favorite outfit anymore because the last time we did, someone called us fat on Instagram. We allow ourselves to slowly lose our authenticity by replacing our true self-image with the one that society has created for us. I have done this for years and years. I sculpted myself specifically around the labels given to me. I overcompensated. I cried. I tore myself down. I tore others down. I completely lost sight of who I was, because I allowed these labels to completely cloud my vision. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Did I want a change? More than anything. So, I simply decided to stop living my labels.
Now, I am not perfect at this and I still fall into the trap all the time. However, I operate my life completely differently now. I no longer nervously bite my nails when posting an Instagram picture out of fear of what people will think. I don’t sit there and analyze my every move through the viewpoint of others. As my personal hero, Dr. Phil McGraw, says, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.” Is there anything more freeing than that statement? I finally feel like I am living my authentic truth because the first place I look for answers is not from the world but from myself. I use my own self-esteem to build myself up, not the ever changing opinions of others. I post what I want when I want, despite the fact that someone else may think its stupid. I have let go not only of the labels that weighed me down, but also the animosity towards those who gave them to me. The girl in middle school who called me annoying is actually pretty nice now that she matured. I don’t seethe at the thought of the people who have hurt me, instead I recognize that for every mean thing someone has said to me, they have said a million more to themselves. I have forgiven myself for all the times that I personally have labeled or harmed others, whether intentional or not.
You do not have to live life according to the stamps you have been given. You do not need to dial yourself up (or down) to make up for that one thing someone said to you one time in the 10th grade. You are not responsible for whatever anyone else thinks of you, and at the end of the day you will waste your life trying to control just that. Freedom is a divine right, and one that many of us will fight to preserve for both ourselves and others. One of the most freeing things you can do, and one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself, is just deciding to live not for the labels you have been given, but for the ones you give yourself.