“Remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn’t matter, like your feelings are worthless, or like your soul is replaceable”
– Sylvester Mcnutt
We’ve all been there.
You’ve texted your bestie five times on the day you were supposed to hangout, with no response. They have flaked on every plan you’ve made for the past two months and you’re starting to wonder, what’s wrong with me? Why is everything so one-sided?
Feeling like you’re the only one putting effort into a friendship can be exhausting and frustrating, and sadly, unhealthy friendships are super common.
This week, I asked my Instagram followers (shameless promo, follow me @amaandathompson) if they had ever been in a toxic friendship before and if they had, how they knew that it was toxic.
The following ten points are either things that I’ve personally had experience with, or things that my Instagram followers sent in:
1. You’re always the one initiating plans.
Friendships should be a two-way street. Everyone gets busy, especially at our age, but there’s a clear difference between those who are busy and those who actively choose not to put effort into a relationship. If I have to ask you to hangout five times before you actually agree — I’m not likely to ask you again. (This also applies if you’re always the one to text the other first.
No one wants to feel like they’re talking to a brick wall!)
2. They make you feel insecure/point out your flaws.
“They used to bring up my insecurities in front of others to put me down.” – Instagram submission
Friendship is supposed to be about lifting each other up! Your friends should be your biggest supporters as you should also be theirs. If you find that they’re constantly putting you down, they’re probably not really your friends.
3. They always feel the need to one-up you.
Nothing feels worse than trying to talk about something you’re proud of and your friend always trying to outdo you.
4. They only text you when they need something.
“Heyyy, I know I haven’t texted you in a while but I could really use a favor.”
Sound familiar?
These kinds of toxic friendships can be the worst. Of course, if your friend is in trouble, you want to help, but again, friendship is a two-way street. If they’re only texting you when they need something, that’s not a healthy friendship and they’re most likely just keeping you around for when they need you.
5. They’re never there for you when you need them.
These are the kinds of people that are called “fair-weather friends”. They spend the most time with you when things are going well, but as soon as things get tough they hit the road.
To be honest, if your friends aren’t going to be around when you need them the most, what good are they as your friend anyway?
6. You never seem to stop arguing.
If you’re butting heads all the time, there might be a reason for this.
Sure, friendship comes with its issues and can definitely be challenging at times, but if you’re constantly arguing over trivial things, there’s probably a larger issue.
7. They make you feel guilty when you can’t spend all your time with them.
It’s one thing for your friend to want to spend time with you, but it’s another story when your friend wants you to spend every waking moment with them.
And if you don’t, you’re the “bad friend”. Possessiveness and guilt-tripping happen far too often in these kinds of friendships.
8. You don’t have any trust within your friendship.
Friends know the most intimate details of your life and having trust within that friendship is essential. Without trust in a friendship, things can go downhill pretty quickly.
9. They exclude you.
You’re always the last to know if there’s something happening in your friend group. Whether it’s deliberate or not, your friends tend to forget about you.
If this sounds familiar: “You guys have planned all week to go to this party tonight… it’s 8 p.m. and you’re just telling me now?”
You probably need new friends.
10. They make you feel like you’re always overreacting.
Do your friends always make you feel like you’re being dramatic?
When you confront them with something that’s bothering you, do they shut you down immediately or tell you to chill out?
This is a sign of a toxic friendship because instead of trying to understand where you’re coming from, they invalidate your feelings. No matter how dramatic you’re being (I know this first hand because I can be a little extra sometimes) you have every right to feel your feelings wholly.
When it comes down to it, it’s okay to let go of friendships that aren’t fulfilling you.
If you think the issues you’re dealing with in your current friendship are resolvable, by all means, try to fix the relationship… but don’t feel like you have to (especially if it’s not a mutual conversation between you and your friend).
I know it’s easier said than done and there can be a large amount of guilt that comes along with letting go of things that aren’t serving you anymore… but in the words of George Washington:
“It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.”
So stop wasting your time on people who don’t put in the effort you deserve. There are a million and one people out there who would love to be friends with you. It’s all about just getting out there and finding people who make you feel loved and appreciated for who you are!
And as another one of my favorite quotes goes…
“So many people love you, don’t focus on the people who don’t.” – @soyenwrites