While I will not go into depth about what happened or is happening, I would like to have a trigger warning for the racism and violence towards Asian Americans. I would also like to add that I try to speak on my own experiences and perspective, and I cannot be the one to tell someone else’s story because it is not mine.
Growing up, I was taught that silence was the best way to protect myself and my family, but trouble finds you somehow. For me and others like me, it came in a form of a virus that led to a pandemic.
As a Creative Writing major, I love telling stories, so I will begin here. I went to work the other day because it is beginning to feel like the only place where I feel more relaxed. At my job, I finally learned how to use a lighter. For a first-timer, they asked me to light the candles. Now, if you know me, I am a klutz, but it seemed like no big deal. Light a fire, dip it close enough to the wick of the candle, and release. After step number one, I was done. The only thing that lit on fire was the tip of the nail and possibly the very outer layer on my thumb. It was nothing serious, the very tip of my nail was charred nicely. The other workers were concerned. They asked me if I was alright and if I needed burn spray. I felt nothing at the moment, but I followed the one worker to spray my thumb. What is the spray supposed to do? I drowned my thumb in that liquid and felt nothing. The burn only came later on but slowly and never lasting.
That burn is how I have emotionally felt lately. It has been on the news. It has been all over social media. I have seen it in my emails in the form of check-ins. But this burn did not start because of what happened in Atlanta, Georgia. I have been worried for over a year since I first heard the discrimination against Asian Americans. I have been worried since before we left Susquehanna University for spring break back in 2020. There have been more incidents that I could never keep track of and likely other incidents that go unreported.
In all truthfulness, I am in the middle of processing everything. I am also in the middle of giving space for others to process this too. It is a lot to take in, especially when you never noticed it until it was apparent. And I realize that the Asian community is not the only group struggling these days.
However, if you are like me, I hope you are doing well or at least the best that you can. Maybe you have not realized what has been happening. Perhaps you are thinking about this so much that it has been overwhelming you.
It is alright to feel hurt. Consider it as a burn on your thumb. Your pain is valid. There are many reasons why the Asian community might have stayed silent. Those who may have come from families who immigrated might be taught that silence is the way of survival. For them, compliance is how they thought could continue to be here in a place where they are sometimes told that they don’t belong. Or perhaps, their culture values honor, and sometimes, the things we hide in order to keep our pride might be harming us more than helping. Silence is painful, and the relief of finally being honest about that pain is unbelievable.
I feel more silent than I would like to be sometimes. However, I think people need to take the time to process what is happening before they take action. You will find that you will burn yourself out even faster. I feel smothered by emails either checking in on me or asking me to be the one reaching out to others. My advice is to take time for yourself. We all have responsibilities to take for one thing or another, but we need to find the time to have some self-care before we move forward. For instance, I have a friend who felt bad for taking more naps than usual, but if your body is telling you to do something to take care of yourself, you should never ignore it.
Overall, I think this experience is teaching me to know more about my boundaries. I can only take care of so many others before I cannot do it anymore. I need to also take a step back and check on myself too. Also, I cannot be your only representation. I am honored to be the President of my school’s Asian Cultural Association, but even the leaders around you need to rest sometimes before continuing their work.
Nevertheless, I hope that if you do need someone to talk to about this, you are not alone, and I am with you on this. But there is only so much I can do, so I also recommend visiting the counseling center at your school. I know mine recently brought in a BIPOC specialist who I know is doing so much for others. But in general, talk to someone you trust when you want to talk. Do it for yourself. You owe yourself the voice that you may not have been using.
Lastly, for those who want to take action or learn more, I encountered this website while scrolling through social media: Anti-Asian Violence Resources.