If I’m being honest, I’ve been single for a very long time. I’m talking 20 years, AKA my entire life. I know there are plenty of people out there in the same boat as me and plenty of people who have just been single for years. Once you’re single for a while, you may start to display the tell-all symptoms of the hopelessly single. I’ve compiled a list of the worst symptoms here. For proper diagnosis, you need to show at least two of these symptoms. If you do, don’t be afraid. The cure is simple, easy, and something all of your friends have already done. You just need to find love.
1. Every new person you meet seems like they have potential
Literally every boy I talk to suddenly occupies my mind as someone I could maybe fall in love with. If this happens to you, you’re far from escaping loneliness.
2. You get in your feels too easily
Whether it’s couples on the street or scrolling through this week’s pregnancy and engagement announcements of Facebook, it doesn’t take much to get me down in the dumps about my singledom these days.
3. You’ve compiled a list of “If I die alone” worries
Because if I don’t find someone to share my life with, I’m going to have to kill all of the spiders myself and honestly I can’t do that so…
4. You forget what significant others are for
Like, how does it work? Do you have to feed them? How often do you have to talk to them? What do you even talk about?
5. Any flirting skills you had have totally evaporated
*Sees cute person*
“Uh. Hi. Did you uhh.. do your taxes yet?”
6. Your third wheel game is STRONG
My friends tell their new significant others that it’s fine to keep me around. I’m a professional third wheel.
7. Your family has stopped asking
There are no more “Did you find a boy yet?” questions at holiday dinners. We already know that hasn’t happened.
8. Your singleness has become the butt of everyone’s jokes (including your own)
Let’s be honest, it’s kind of funny at this point.
9. Your bank account is drained from all the batteries you’ve bought for your vibrator
A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
10. You’ve considered a paid subscription to Farmers Only
Because Tinder and Bumble can only get you so far.
All jokes aside, being single can suck sometimes, but just remember all the nights you’ve sat around listening to your friends moan and groan about whatever their significant other did wrong this time. At least you don’t have to deal with that.