It is so strange to say that I am graduating college in less than 5 months. As a 2020 high school graduate, COVID caused many of us to experience a drive-thru graduation or virtual prom. Our send off was pretty much nonexistent, and we never truly got to say goodbye to high school. Because of this, it always felt that something has been missing in our academic careers. These key coming-of-age moments were taken away from us.
Then, our freshmen year of college consisted of wearing masks everywhere, which consequently led to limitations to making friends because of on-campus restrictions. Some students chose to commute and do online classes, which further isolated our grade from meeting each other. It was not until our junior year that we began to truly experience our “college experience” that everyone talks about. As a senior, I’ve been reflecting on what everyone in our grade has gone through over the past four years. Everything we have experienced is a testament to how rapidly our society is changing, and how time moves so fast.
It feels like just yesterday that I was meeting my freshman year random roommate who continues to be my roommate and best friend today. Living in the freshman dorms of O’Hara hall doesn’t seem so far away when I’m living with the same friends who I met on that second-floor hallway all those years ago. Stonehill College has given me friendships and opportunities, while also allowing me the space to grow in confidence and security of my identity. Senior year comes with a lot of reflection, anxiety, fear, and first and last times. All of these feelings culminate to what I like to call “senior existentialism.” Existentialism is the deep philosophical reflection of human existence, and being a senior means that, once again, we are about to enter a new phase of life and question everything.
Personally, I don’t do well with change. I’m working on it, but it takes a long time for me to adjust, especially when it comes to making life altering, important decisions. Being a student has been a part of my identity for so long that I don’t know what it will be like not to have classes everyday. This semester I am completing my student teaching, which means I am beginning to shed my student identity as I evolve into being a teacher, the adult in the room for my students. They look to me for answers and I am expected to have them. I’m expected to have my whole life together and be a role model for this young adults. This is a scary, new feeling for me, and I think all seniors, whether in high school or college, feel this. It’s the feeling that we are supposed to have and know all the answers, and sometimes we don’t. As someone who is deeply feeling “senior existentialism,” our existence and self-worth is not determined by what career or graduate school we go to. Graduating college is something we should all be proud of, and not knowing the next step is okay. The not-knowing and scary anxiety needs to be normalized. We’re all going to make mistakes and not know all the answers. Some people might, but deep down they are all feeling the same thing: the existentialism that comes in early adulthood years.
As graduation looms in the near future, I am reflecting on all the amazing, fun, sad, and hysterical moments I had with all my friends, and the moments we have ahead of us. Reflecting on these moments is something I hold on to for the sake of alleviating the senior existentialism that bombards my brain. What I find is that it helps to talk and normalize the scary nature and experience of graduating with your friends. Through this, we can all lean on and support each other and enjoy these last months before graduation. All the complicated feelings that you are feeling can be simplified into this one term – “senior existentialism.” It is a mixture of overwhelming feelings, and when those feelings begin to take over, take a deep breath and give yourself grace. Remind yourself of all that the past four years have given you, and know that not everything needs to be figured out right now. A healthy amount of senior existentialism is needed, so that you appreciate and reflect on your college experiences; however, if you let it take over, it will only cause you to miss out on all that senior year has to offer. I leave you with the wisdom of Taylor Swift, who says in “You’re on Your Own, Kid,” to “make the friendship bracelets / Take the moment and taste it / You’ve got no reason to be afraid.”