A couple of weeks ago I attended a barbeque. While I was there, some guys brought in the burgers and brats and promptly announced, “Ladies first!” I quickly answered, “Why don’t we go ahead and all grab some food, regardless of our gender!” Needless to say, I got a few looks and a few laughs.
My story brings up an interesting question: what is the difference between chivalry and sexism? Is a simple statement like “ladies first” demeaning or reverant? Modern chivalry has a complex history, dating back to the early 19th century when men were required to court women. Gentleman callers would be announced to the mother of house after coming to call, and then the couple could sit together in the sitting room while chaperoned by an older sibling or parent. During this time, the idea of chivalry was culturally important because it signified respect for a woman and her family. Men were expected to be kind and courteous to the woman they were courting in order to show her family that he could be a fit husband and faithful provider. So, then, how did chivalry transform from a respectful and courteous act to one that seems, well, more sexist?
The question does not have a straight answer, of course, as some people would not believe the actions of the boys at the barbeque were, indeed, sexist. But I am of the personal belief that when someone makes a distinction based solely on a person’s gender, any correponding action is derived from deeply emobied sexism. Why is it important for us to continue to say “ladies first” when it is no longer socially accepted that women are frailer and unequal to men? Beside, such a commonly used phrase can become misconstrued when one does not acknowledge where that certain phrase even came from and what lie at the root of it original meaning. I challenge all of you to stop using certain phrase out of tradition alone, and to look at the broader implications of your words.
This summer, I lived in an apartment and one of my male housemates refused to let a women hold the door open for him. Once, as I held a door for some people behind me, my housemat came up behind me and grabbed the door handle from me so that he could hold the door open for me. “No self-respecting man would let a woman hold the door open for him,” he said.
When I insisted that it was sexist to not allow a woman to hold the door open for a man, he just shrugged and said, “No, it’s not.” Depite his kind intention, my housemate could not understand the massive gender stereotypes he was purporting with his actions. It was respectful for me to hold to door open for the people behind me, as I was making no underlying commentary on the people’s genders. However, my housemate who refused to let me hold the door open for him was disrespectful and sexist. It is one thing to be nice and hold the door for people behind you, but it is another thing altogether to make a distinction to hold or not hold the door open for someone based on their gender.
This week, I would like people to think about seemingly unimportant phrases and gestures that are connected with gender. What do these acts and phrases mean and why are they still prevalent even though the days of courting are past? It is important that we start to question certain customs and ask whether they should still be around or not. Also, we need to make distinctions between what has always been and what actually should be. Our generation can help to redefine these gestures and phrases by pointing out when someone says “ladies first” and asking why they use this phrase. These phrases may not seem that influential or important, but in the long run, they do make a difference in how we interpret gender and the inferiority or superiority of one gender over another.
Feminist quote of the week: “The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be, rather than recognizing how we are.” – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Photo Credit: Man holding car door open for woman