If you have ever known someone who has passed away, especially someone you were close with, you are likely familiar with the Kübler-Ross five-stage model of grief: 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression and 5) acceptance. There is a misconception, however, that grief can or should only occur after a major loss, such as a death. Grief can occur as a result of any number of situations. Today, I am going to talk about grief in the context of romantic relationships.
Many of you have likely experienced grief following a breakup. I know that for me, every time I have had a relationship that ended, I wake up the next morning with a huge sense of denial, wondering if the break-up conversation actually happened or if I dreamt it. But grief can also occur after much smaller incidences. It could even be something as “small” as finding out that the guy you have had a crush on forever started dating another girl. This isn’t to say that you will feel the same level of grief in all of these situations – I just want to be clear that having some sadness, some grief, over these types of situations, however small they may seem, is normal.
Being able to move on after a disappointing relationship is one of the greatest ways in which we can grow and learn about ourselves, but it isn’t always easy to make it to the acceptance stage and beyond. I think that a lot of girls, myself included, get caught up in the three middle stages: anger, bargaining and depression. I can’t count the number of times that I, or someone I know, has done the angry “But I’m so much better than her!” rant, or the “What do I need to change to make him like me?” rant and especially the “Is it something about me? Am I just un-dateable?” rant. Getting stuck in these stages, asking these questions – it happens to all of us.
Here are a few suggestions on getting past the stages of anger, bargaining and depression – so that you can move on:
- Write a letter to the person who is causing you grief. Say all of the things you are feeling and that you wish you could say in person but can’t. Ask the questions that have been bothering you. Write this all down, then put the letter away in a box. It can be unbelievably cathartic just to be able to express how you truly feel, even if no one else will ever read the letter.
- Give yourself a confidence boost, whether it is through some retail therapy to get a really cute new dress, a no-strings-attached hookup, hitting the gym for a good workout, or even just hanging out with your closest girlfriends – the ones who think you are a rock star even when you are at your absolute worse. Any and all of these activities can help restore some of the confidence that often falls by the wayside after a failed relationship. They can help you to start feeling like your normal, sexy self once again.
A combination of expressing your feelings and doing things to raise your confidence will help you push through the stages of grief so that you come out even better than you started with renewed confidence and the ability to look back on the situation and be like, “Yeah, that sucked, but I am a better person for having experienced it.” Don’t live with anger, regret and sadness weighing you down – no man is worth that.
Stay sexy, St. Olaf,
H.