This week I want to talk about oral skills…but not the kind you are thinking of. I am talking about communication – you know, like that pesky ORC credit we all have to get. It is, as some people call it, the key. When it comes to getting what you want in bed, you can try new things, read Cosmo and just hope for the best. On the other hand, wouldn’t it just be easier to ask for it? We all know that an open line of communication is important in any relationship, so let’s move it from the caf date to the bed.
First of all, it is important to communicate with one another on expectations and boundaries. Not wanting to progress past a certain point is ok, but a heads-up on what and what not to expect prevents too high of expectations, getting both of you in the right mind set to enjoy whatever does happen. It is important to know what each person is comfortable with so that you can move forward together.
Speaking of moving forward, how does one begin the conversation about taking it to the next level? This is one instance where I recommend a different kind of communication: body language. The best way to know if the person you are with is ready for more (without an awkward conversation that might send you backwards) is to read their body signals. Watch how he or she reacts when you start to try something new. Do they lean in closer or do they tense up? And while it is up to your discretion, make sure you advance slowly. Moving too fast can be uncomfortable for both of you so try to stay on the same page. When it comes to intercourse make sure to discuss contraception and concerns BEFORE it happens. It is easier to make these decisions when you are not in the heat of the moment. Ultimately be able to communicate to each other, verbally or not, that you want to take the next step and interpret your partner’s reactions.
Here is the real question when it comes to communication in our lovely twin-sized dorm beds: How do I get what I want? This is the trickiest thing to communicate effectively, in my opinion. Generally, people are either bashful or very prideful in their “abilities.” It is important to communicate your desires without offending your partner. So let’s get some dialogue going. Instead of saying “That doesn’t really feel great” try “You know what would feel amazing? (Fill in the blank)”.
Similarly, you can try telling a bit a white lie. Telling someone that you love something specific, even if they haven’t ever done it, gets them thinking about it, and they are more likely to do it. It is kind of like reverse psychology, and it is very effective. There is also the compliment sandwich. So if the message still isn’t getting through try this formula: compliment, critique, compliment. Here is an example. “I love it when you…but could you try this instead… you are so great.” Get the request in there, but flatter as well. In short, be nice, be direct, and be courteous.
How does one keep getting what they want? Rewards or praise, whether these are verbal or something else, let your significant other know that you enjoyed what they did. You can be direct and tell them that you enjoyed what they did or do something in return. Let them know that you appreciate it and chances are he or she is likely to do it again.
All in all don’t be afraid to talk! Physical relationships should be fun and rewarding, and learning about each other’s preferences helps you understand each other as a whole. As Ole’s we like to be the best, so let’s improve more than just our academic skills.