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Mm Ya Ya: Bad Kissing 101

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at St Olaf chapter.

The other day, I was thinking about my first kiss. Like many first kisses, it was memorable – but not in the best way. It was actualy pretty terrible, and I pledged to my parents that I would never kiss anyone ever again. That pledge did not last, but the story and the memory did. Unfortunately, and much to my amusement, I still hear stories of bad kissers and uncomfortable libidos endeavors. As funny as the stories are to hear, nobody wants to be victim of the story, so what does a person do? Are you facing some penalties in tonsil hockey? Here are my three R’s of survival: read, react and recoup.

How does a person end up in a situation like this? That’s easy: sometimes it’s a fellow partygoer or sometimes, in the more unfortunate situation, it is someone you have been crushing on for a while. The first step is to read the situation. Does he or she have bad breath? Just give them a mint. Chapped lips? Offer up some Chapstick. Have one or both of you spent a bit too much time at Froggy’s? Are your feelings for this person a bigger factor?  Maybe it’s worth another try in the future and consider “Plan A” below. If the situation is just completely unbearable, and you just want to get out of there – then maybe you need to consider “Plan B” (also below).

Plan A: I applaud you for your tenacity. A deal breaker for some is just a road bump on the way to the bedroom for you. It’s time for a bit of communication, but try not to offend! Be gentle and offer suggestions, but never correct the person. Use phrases like “I like it when…” or “It would feel nice if…”. Keep it light and lead the way with your own actions. The idea is that a person tends to mimic the individual person that he or she is trying to impress. Try applying this theory to the situation and hopeful the person you are with will follow your lead. With enough time and practice the two of you should figure out each other’s likes and dislike for a much more enjoyable time.

Plan B: You have found yourself locking lips with that cutie from across the room, and yikes you would rather being doing something else, anything else, ANYONE ELSE! My suggestion? Run! Ok, so maybe be a bit more tactful, conserve your energy, and don’t actually run away. Perhaps the most effective and honest solution is to just tell the person you are with that you just aren’t feeling it and should probably go. If you are looking to get more creative, however, here are some more amusing tactics: go ahead and utilize the true, dependable and classic fake phone call from a friend or your mom; claim to have to use the bathroom and just don’t come back; use the bathroom and pretend to be sick – trust me you are off the hook; check the time and then “realize” you have to be somewhere right now”; pretend to fall asleep; give them a taste of their own medicine and try to be worse then them (so what if he or she talks about it to their friends? At least you are free to go).

So now know you have escaped, at least for the time being, and are wondering how to recover. After my first kiss, I brushed my teeth, ate some ice cream and rinsed out my mouth with mouthwash. Hopefully, you emerge more unscathed than I. First, call your friends immediately and debrief. Have them find you and give you moral support and maybe some mouthwash. Maybe find your favorite food or drink and enjoy it, maybe tweet about, but most importantly, don’t forget to laugh about it.