1. The Definition of Debate is War
Disagree with your opponent. Disagree with the fact checker. Disagree with Rosie O’Donnell. Disagree with the announcer. This is a debate people! Debate with everyone! This is war. Insult your opponent and hit home. Target his friends. Bludgeon her past. If he doesn’t need therapy for the next fifteen years, you have failed.
2. Ignore the Facts—We do!
Fact: 97% of people won’t fact check this statistic. Nor will this 97% fact check any of the words that come out of your mouth. So let the words free! Yes, people have internet. No, people won’t read far into the link http://www.npr.org/2016/09/26/495115346/fact-check-first-presidential-debate, which exploits the ignorant, absurd statements you make. Voters won’t educate themselves enough to notice that you have changed your opinion. In fact, I recommend you do change your opinion! With a stance on both sides of a controversial topic, you can easily increase your ratings.
3. Politicians aren’t called Clowns for Nothing
Make the audience laugh. If the audience—I mean voters—is not as tickled watching the debate as watching Jimmy Fallon, then take your floppy hair and go home now. Your country does not want a president who can’t bring laughter to homes all across America. This is entertainment people! #fallonforpresident
4. It’s all about the Phrasing, Baby
A presidential candidate simply does not say his ideas. A presidential candidate must inform us simple-minded voters in a way that pushes us to the edge of our seats. To debate like a presidential nominee is to add pizazz into phrases. Say something once. Now repeat it with conviction.
Another tip for being a successful presidential nominee during a debate is to take your time—really and truly take as long as humanly possible– to say something simple.
Example: Hillary says, “But I want to — on behalf of myself, and I think on behalf of a majority of the American people, say that, you know, our word is good.” This is the politician’s long version of “Trust me.”
Last phrasing tip: talk about money like Dr. Evil… voters like Dr. Evil.
Trump: We are losing billions and BILLIONS of dollars.
5. Name drop.
The presidential debate is comparable to a dinner party. You want to impress your guests with the Facebook friends you’re actually friends with. You had coffee with Bono? Mention it! You walked past Tom Brady? He is officially your best friend. You worked with President Obama? Mention him 21 times.
If you don’t have any friends, no worries! Make them up! Donald Trump is fantastic at this debate-winning technique. He has farmer friends, a doctor friend, a friend who is a world-class poker player, Mexican friends, Muslim friends, a trucker friend, unhappy rich friends, Chinese friends, and a dying friend.
6. Be Catchy
Have an awesome catch phrase. Trump’s “Make America great again” line is only second to Obama’s ownership over the word “Change.” To think of a slogan or motto fitting for you, just follow these few simple steps. Write down the first motto that comes to mind. Then, repeat it in all your speeches. Finally, commercialize it! Write it on t-shirts, water bottles, lanyards, and tattoos. If you have followed these steps, your catch phrase might just win you the presidency.
7. Ohana Means…
Family! Make sure the United States knows you are the proud owner of the American Dream. In the eyes of the U.S., your supermodel wife is Martha Stewart. Your father was the hardest working man in the 20th century. Your children are your prized possessions. It doesn’t matter that, as a busy politician, you have no room in your schedule for said, “children,” or said, “wife.” Your voters won’t be your voters unless your family is second only to the country’s well-being.
8. Have a Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Vocabulary
Throw in a humongous word every once in a while. Throwing in at least one four-syllable word will allow the voters to forget about phrases like, “We are in a big fat ugly bubble” and words like “bigly.”
Example: When Donald Trump said the word, “Braggadocios”
Wife: Honey, isn’t he so smart?
Husband: Yes. His 4 syllable word has got my vote! His vocabulary proves him suitable for leading our country.