*Disclaimer: in no way am I claiming to speak for all aro ace university students in this article; aromanticism and asexuality comprise a diverse spectrum of experiences, so please don’t stereotype a little-publicised identity based on my experience!*
First things first: some definitions. Seeing as romance and sex are seen as human pre-requisites in mainstream society, many people will probably not know what it means to be aro ace. To summarise, the term is a shorthand for aromantic asexual, i.e., referring to a person who experiences neither sexual nor romantic attraction – like myself, for instance.
Although I had felt this way all my life, it was only at university that I started viewing myself as apart from the predominantly heterosexual society, and began identifying as aro ace, beginning to actively use the label more than halfway into my third year. Perhaps this was due to the progressive social and liberal politics of St Andrews, or because of pandemic-induced self-reflection, yet nonetheless, label or not, being aro ace made my university years different from any concept of a universal student experience.
Meeting New People
Starting your first year is supposedly a time for forming bonds that will last your entire lifetime, where you meet your best friend, the love of your life, or even a prince! This was not the case for me. Partly due to my antisocial personality and other mental health issues (that’s another story), and partly due to my identity, I had no friends in my first two years (apart from my sister), and only developed acquaintances in my third year.
Having been brought up on the unrealistic heterosexual romances of Disney movies and romantic comedies, I assumed that if I were to speak to anyone and form a connection, especially if they were a guy, that they would want to pursue me as a romantic or (god forbid!) sexual object. So, I kept well away from them, and sabotaged any chance of my marrying a prince. I also stayed away from everyone else, as I constantly overheard girls in my tutorials talking about relationships – which weren’t relevant in the slightest to me.
My Social Life: From Non-Existent to Somewhat Alive
The same problem occurred with societies – I thought that friendships and other relationships would bloom within their boundaries, and so I participated in nothing until my third year (I was also commuting from Dundee). It seemed to me that drinking and sex were so entrenched in student social life that I couldn’t participate. I was also deeply disappointed by the university’s lack of awareness about being aro ace, not seeing asexual or aromantic flags represented anywhere online or in buildings – bar one time they flew an ace flag at St Salvator’s Chapel.
For my first two years, there was no aro ace community I could join, and I felt detached from the queerness represented by SaintsLGBT. However, I noticed that there was an aro/ace Facebook group with SaintsLGBT in third year, where they hosted online meetups – but I still wasn’t fully comfortable with my identity at that time.
Now in my fourth (and hopefully not final) year at university, I am trying to make up for lost time. After embracing my aro ace identity at long last, I was able to speak with ease and form connections with people, all because of it. The aro/ace group at St Andrews is now reinvigorated with an active, meme-filled group chat, and the hosting of regular meetups. Through this group, I’ve met others with similar interests and experiences to mine – namely, a shared love of garlic bread and cake.
Final Thoughts
It wasn’t a cakewalk (the pun is most definitely intended) navigating my aro ace identity at university, but my experience got better over time as I came to gradually accept my indifference to sex and romance. Ultimately university both helped and hindered the time it took for me to realize, and finally accept, being aro ace. Dear reader, if you’re on the aro/ace spectrum and struggling with your sexuality, just remember that it’s your identity, and you can define it however you want – whether in uncertainty, confidence, or pride. Just so long as you accept yourself.