“Never Love Anybody Who Treats you Like You’re Ordinary”- Oscar Wilde
There is something about the wintertime that makes people want to be in love, in real love, not that youthful springtime flirtation, or the fleeting summer romance. Maybe it’s the holidays, maybe it’s the cold nights, who knows? Always on trend with love and relationship advice, December’s American Cosmopolitan Magazine featured the article, “Take your Love to an EPIC LEVEL.” The two-page piece offers its readers ways they can upgrade from their boring, everyday love to an “all-consuming, complete-each-other relationship” in which “the world was so as-it-should-be when you were together that it practically stopped turning when you parted ways.” A love that burns hotter than the Sun. But I ask, who wants a love like that? Even school children know the Sun can’t sustain its level of heat. It burns hot and bright, until one day it will have nothing left and implode, possibly creating a black hole that will take the rest of the solar system with it…at least that’s what I’ve heard. I study English, not Astrophysics.
As an English student, however, I see a shinning metaphor here (if you can’t see it, consult someone…about a matter of things). Unexplained metaphors aside, these hot, passionate love affairs, the kind that “make you crazy” and “eat you alive inside” only end in one way: horrifically*. Even within the article, relationship expert Dr. Kristen Mark notes, “Ironically, the passion that fuels their attraction is the same passion that fuels their fights.” Epic loves are great when you’re lost in passion, promises, and the high of being held by someone who makes your knees weak. But what happens when that same passion turns against you, and you find yourself falling; dropped by the same someone who left you unable to stand? You break, that’s what happens. You’ve let yourself go too far and now you’re hurt, and the ones that really love you are left to put back the pieces and lock your foolish knees so you can stand up again.
In my never-ending journey through the Internet, I came across overemotional blogger Chelsea Fagan’s piece, “You Shouldn’t Have Kissed Me”. It’s a little on the Bella Swan/Fatal Attraction side, but it’s a good (though overly moist) vocalization of this “epic love” and also the crushing reality of its end.
I had become intoxicated by the very feel of you. The way your fingers felt woven between my own, the way your lips felt against my earlobe, the way your hips pressed against mine in a touch which only implied what it longed to scream — it was something I needed, something that could not be recreated or replaced.
And now I am beholden to it, dependent on its constant affirmations of life and vitality. This feeling of youth, of beauty, of reciprocal desire that says, all at once, “I need you” and “Please need me in return” — it has become a fountain from which I must drink greedily, or waste away in thirst. I am overwhelmed with a fear that this must be unsustainable, that there is no gift which is given in such generous quantities, which is open for the harvest at all times of year. It only seems logical that, as though someone suddenly turned off a faucet, there will come a moment when this all runs dry. Only then will I be faced with the full repercussions of loving something so much, of wanting it so impatiently, of being desperate in a way I could not be bothered to hide.”
Does that sound like fun to you? No. It sounds crazy, and quite frankly slightly terrifying. Even more frightening is the small morsel of truth that any girl who was 13 can recognize, however ashamedly. We’ve all been there (at least almost, this girl is pretty far in) and felt that painful hollowness that is desperate love. It’s greedy, crazy, miserable and oppressive. That’s not how love is supposed to feel.
So again I ask, why? Why seek this destructive love? Look at Romeo and Juliet; Anthony and Cleopatra; Tristan and Isolde; Whitney and Bobby; Tom and Katie; they all ended in death (some only the death of careers, but still…). Why not seek a comfortable love? A strong, stable, sustainable, warm love? One that won’t leave you feeling addicted, desperate, strung out, but safe, happy, and strong. A love that comes easy, a love that makes you laugh, and inspires you to be the best version of yourself. That is the love that can endure the ages. When you think long term, is the man who drives you to the brink of insanity the one who is going to take care of you when you’re sick? Is he the one who will comfort you when you cry, care about you enough to stay through all of the hardships and maybe even raise your children one day? Probably not. But that nice guy will. So if you’re lucky enough to have a ‘boring, everyday’ wonderful love: enjoy it. Be thankful that you found each other, because hopefully, whatever happens in the future, you will both be stronger because you did. And if, like so many others, you are still waiting for your better half, don’t settle. Be content in the knowledge that you’re wonderful, and worth a person worthy of you.
*Quotes submitted to the Cosmo article by readers