An Open Letter to Pollen

Dear Pollen,


From the moment of your arrival at the beginning of spring, you have wreaked havoc on everything you touch.  


First, you are like a tornado to our respiratory system. When you come around, we’re all left with scratchy throats, stuffy noses, annoying coughs, and watery eyes. We buy travel packs of tissue to keep in our pockets but usually run out within a day. Garbage bins are overflowing with crumpled Kleenex; our noses start running out of nowhere, during the most inconvenient of times. It’s really annoying.


Second, you turn everything yellow. The leaves on the trees and bushes look like they’ve been dipped in some horrible version of confectioner’s sugar, that’s yellow. And our cars! No matter the color of the car (except maybe yellow) you manage to coat them in your powdery evil. Even the ground can’t escape you? Instead of dew drops on grass, we have you!


And our defenses aren’t the best. Sure, allergy medicine works, but it eventually wears off. Rain is a solid solution, except for the fact that afterward, most of the puddles are rimmed with your yellow awfulness.


And the worst part about all this?


You keep coming back. And with you, all of the things that make you so annoying.


Every year you make your way back into our lives without even a second thought about your own actions. Can’t you see how annoying you are? We can’t breathe through our noses, we can’t stop sneezing, and truthfully, pollen-yellow is not exactly a color that everyone loves.


Now, don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that your whole shtick is necessary for life or whatever, but I strongly believe you could be less annoying. I mean, can’t you just be clear and not as allergy-inducing?


That way, we wouldn’t see you or even know that you’re there. You’d just go about your business quietly and respectfully. It would truly be better for everyone if you just weren’t so obnoxious.


So, from the bottom of our hearts, we ask that you please rethink your actions. Every year we deal with the same annoying version of you, and we think that it might be time to spice things up a little bit.


Not literally. Maybe: “tone things down” is more appropriate.


Anyway, you suck. Please change.