The sex education at my middle school was less than stellar. Sex was made for reproducing only, and you needed to make sure condoms were involved to be safe. Nothing was ever mentioned about pleasure but I had heard enough horror stories to feel intimidated. Sex was scary to me and I vowed to put it off for as long as I could.
Fast forward years later. My boyfriend and I have a relatively healthy sex life, I’d say. We both know when the other is definitely not feeling it, or definitely wanting something. We can easily pick up on cues about whether the other person wants sex or not. That’s fine.
However, actually asking for things during sex is a whole other thing.
If you feel nervous about asking for what you want during sex, you are not alone. I totally get you. You don’t want the other person to feel bad, even if what they’re doing … well, it’s not doing anything for you. It seems ungrateful to correct them; after all, they’re doing this for you.
Wrong!
You shouldn’t have to fake it with the person you love. I know it seems scary, but the biggest advice I can offer is communication. It seems obvious, but actually sitting down and telling your partner what you want will be good for the both of you. They don’t want to do something that you’re not feeling, and you don’t want to suffer through it.
There are so many opportunities to talk with your partner about what you really want to get out of sex. I’m at the point with my boyfriend where I can tell him during sex “a little to the left” or “I’d like it better if you do this.” He also is very good at asking me what I prefer, if I like what he’s doing, etc.
But doing it during the act is extremely nerve-wracking. So I suggest during pillow talk, you both do a debrief. And don’t only list the bad things. “I love when you do xyz, it makes me feel amazing. I would also like if you did abc too.” You have to even out your likes and dislikes. And you should welcome what the other person has to say, if they also have things they want to add or change.
(Disclaimer: This is more for basic things, like wanting them to go down on you more, as opposed to kinks. Kinks conversations will require a lot more communication and baby steps.)
It’s tough to get to that point. You feel weird sometimes asking for something different, but it’s much better in the long run. I’m sure your partner wants to make you feel as good as they can, but they’re not mind readers. There’s nothing shameful about asking for what you want.
Don’t feel obliged to throw everything out at the same time, either. You need to give your partner (and yourself) time to process. If you want to focus only on what you want from oral, or from foreplay, that’s totally fine.
Sex is supposed to be fun and you can’t fully enjoy it if you’re worried about how to fake it through another night. Talking to your partner can seem scary, but I promise, it’ll be so worth it.