Author’s Note: In this article, I describe my experience in an existent SMU student organization. So, names, events and the activity itself are intentionally ambiguous for the protection of my peers’ privacy.
I was struggling on my walk home. My stomach felt sick, my head hurt, and I couldn’t stop running over the events of that night over and over. Words, phrases, and gestures all replayed themselves over and over in my head. An activity I loved was slowly turning into a nightmare, and at the moment I felt powerless to stop it.
There are lots of fantastic things about male friends. Having guy friends added diversity to my social circle, and the guys in my organization often supported me, acting like the big brothers I always wanted
Except for the times they didn’t.
I’m not the only girl associated with my organization, but we’re definitely lacking a strong female presence. Often, I’m the only woman in the room, in the car, and at the table during discussion. This atmosphere can be problematic, as it quickly becomes an environment characterized by masculinity. When there’s only one woman in the room, it’s really easy to feel like there are no women at all, and to resort to behavior traditionally reserved for frat houses.
The problems were small: being excluded from conversation, interrupted and/or teased. Then, I started to notice similar problems within our whole activity. Male students from other schools would enthusiastically introduce themselves to my male peers and disregard me. They treated me like a supplementary part of the organization- someone there to assist and support the men. And when I proved myself capable on my own terms, they could act shocked. During a rudimentary discussion of the Golden State Warriors, someone mentioned that they just “couldn’t believe” how much I knew about the NBA. And trust me, I didn’t prove myself to an expert. I guess he was just shocked a woman in heels knew who Steph Curry was. Stuff like this is goofy, and I know that I shouldn’t have let it bother me, but I knew that it was tied to more dangerous forms of gender stratification.
These tiny annoyances were nothing compared to the bigger issues happening at home though. It’s actually incredibly difficult to feel like you have no female allies. I had to constantly be on my guard for my actions or words being hypersexualized. Inviting someone to hang out with a group of friends was seen as an act of sexual interest, replying to a message was deemed flirting, and I had to be sure to avoid terms, like “thirsty” and “hard” as to avoid immature jokes. Meanwhile, my activity was no longer fun because of the pressure I was putting on myself. I saw every small failure or mistake as letting down women. I believed that since I was the only present representative of my gender, I had to be perfect.
And of course, there’s the word “b*tch.” That word literally haunts me.
“Bring it on b*tch!”
“B*tch, please.”
“Don’t be a b*tch.”
This was my breaking point. Someone decided to direct this, outdated, antiquated, uncreative insult at me in practice and I’m ashamed to say I let it break me. I handled it fine publicly, but on the walk home I broke down crying. I literally sat on a bench outside Mac’s Place trying to figure out if it was worth it to stay on this team. Depending on your experience, that word has such a powerful connotation. Despite my attempts to reclaim it over the years, hearing it hurled at me by a guy in competitive space brought the memories of every mentor, peer, friend and even ex-boyfriend who has used this word to take my power. To take all my confidence and passion and define it as cattiness instead.
But then I decided not to let instances like this define me. Yes, this was a situation where I had lost my power. But I could gain it back. Here’s how:
1. Recognize inequality: I had to stop trying to be tough. For a while, I believed that to call out the issue of sexism was to whine. But when discussing these issues with another member of my team, he was visibly shocked. He had no idea that these things were occurring, and sincerely didn’t know how things like gender exclusive rhetoric affected me. But these issues are real world issues and college is the time to start discussing them! A faculty member of the SMU anthropology department, Professor Shay Cannedy, PhD, argues that gender stratification is a real problem facing American college students right now.
“Gender stratification, or the ways in which resources, rewards, and power are unevenly allocated to people based on gender, clearly plays in out in many countries around the world, including our own. We can see this in terms of the pay gap between men and women, the very low percentage of women CEOs, and violence meted out against women in their personal relationships,” she said.
In essence, the way we address inequality now shapes our ability to call out sexism in our careers and personal lives.
2. Understand gender difference: The genders communicate differently. There’s no question. This can lead to miscommunication, and often alienation. For example, men and women often have different goals for conversation. Deborah Tannen, former linguistics professor at Georgetown University expressed this idea with her theory of “rapport vs. report.” Here, she argues that men are taught to use language to establish dominance. Masculine values stress hierarchy and power, so guys are conditioned from an early age to try and “one-up” each other with their language. This is establishing “report.” Meanwhile, women are conditioned to have the value of sociality- to be friendly and form social groups- “rapport.” So, they are taught to use language to establish common ground with their peers. It’s easy to see how the clashing of these two styles could create a problem. I felt alienated by the conversations between my all male peers because we were seeking different end goals from the discussion. They were trying to use language to push their own ideas and arguments, while I was trying to create friendships and find commonality. Once I recognized these different conversational goals, I was better able to relate to my peers and teach them how to relate to me.
3. Know what’s NOT okay: While some gender-based issues are simply problems of communication, others are flat out sexism. There are serious, dangerous issues of gender and safety at college. Cannedy asserts, “…the recent court ruling that sentenced former Stanford student Brock Turner to only six months of jail time for raping an unconscious woman at a college party sends a clear message to women that female bodily integrity is not protected in this country. Rulings like this also reinforce a toxic type of masculinity premised on sexual aggressiveness and disregard for others.”
I’m lucky. This sexual aggressiveness did not manifest itself in a way that ever made me feel unsafe. But I would be lying if I said it never manifested itself. Rumors, crude jokes about my body, and inferences about my sexual history and interests have all been publicly vocalized by my male peers. This is where I realized that there had to be action. I no longer felt alienated because of communication trouble; I was alienated intentionally so someone else could showcase masculinity. This is when I began to speak up. I talked to the students using the aggressive rhetoric, and I even talked to organization leadership about creating a safe environment. Because ultimately, I want to invite my female friends to events. I want women who are interested in my activity to feel safe at their first meeting and be excited to come back. And I want my favorite activity to stay my favorite activity.
But creating a diverse and tolerant environment creates conscious effort- it probably won’t happen on accident and it absolutely won’t happen if no one speaks up to stop marginalization. But know that you, yes, YOU, can help make this possible too. SMU is more than your school; it’s your home. So look for ways to recognize inequality, understand gender difference and report what’s unsafe or harassing. These steps make SMU a better institution and a more comfortable home for all of us.