Finding myself again during a global pandemic
Hello world! As many of you know, there’s a global pandemic happening, her name is Rona and she fucking sucks. Somebody thought it’d be a fun idea to eat a raw bat and let little Miss Rona become a world traveler. I mean her travelers visa has to be expired at this point right? *silence*
Alright I’ve had my fun and I’m retiring from my 5 seconds of comedic fame. In all seriousness, this pandemic hasn’t been easy on anyone, hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs, their loved ones, their sanity, and even themselves. I for one am fortunate enough to have all my family safe and healthy, but I did end up losing part of myself. Now I am not comparing my issues with losing my job or family and I’m not asking for a pity party. But I think it’s important to validate these feelings, not just for myself, but for the many others who were and still are experiencing the same feelings. If I’ve learned anything from these past months is that my feelings matter, my issues matter, I matter. Just because the world is falling apart doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to feel and acknowledge pain. It’s okay to not feel okay and that is something we should never be ashamed about.
I for one was in a lot of pain, especially during the lockdown and quarantine. I had just been sent home from the place I fell in love with at first sight, Sevilla, Spain. When I left for Spain in January, I really felt as if I was going to find a part of myself in the months to come; I ended up losing a part of myself I am still trying to find. I left the U.S. hopeful, zealous, and confident. I returned hopeless, apathetic, and lost. Quarantine only fueled those feelings, I reached the end of Netflix and was left drowning in my own thoughts. It felt as though I lost all my passions, all my drive, all my charisma. Attempting to find those things only resulted in frustration and falling further into the abyss. I couldn’t even get myself to run, something that has always been a motivator and stress reliever for me. It came to a point where I was afraid to try, afraid to grow, afraid to branch out, for I feared even further failure. I was lost in the abyss and there wasn’t a map in sight. Where’s the goddamn map Dora? But what I didn’t realize at the time was that I didn’t need a map, I needed acceptance.
I needed to accept my feelings for what they were and accept that what I am experiencing is temporary. I also sought out professional help, shout out to my therapist, she’s a Queen and fuck all the stigmas surrounding therapy cause it’s the best no matter what your mental state is. She used a metaphor that also applied to my real life. She told me I can’t just expect to go out and run 5 miles after not running for months because I’m gonna go out there and I’m probably not gonna be able to run those 5 miles and be even more upset with myself. I need to start off with a walk (I highly recommend while listening to a podcast), then a light jog, then a short run, and then whatever I’m ready for. The same goes in life, we can’t expect to immediately jump back into the people we once were after being lost in our own minds for so long. It's going to take time and patience and most importantly love for yourself. Your body is a beautiful vessel that has carried you through the many years of your life, it deserves love no matter how long it takes to find it.