I had a lot of identities in high school, but one in particular that outshone all the others was being an athlete. I was a varsity tennis player and I loved every second of it, even the really gritty and nasty parts of playing with shin splints, ankle sprains, and tendonitis. My years with my beloved sport continue to be some of the most formative years of my life. Tennis, like every other sport, taught me how to fight, be humble, and be a leader.
Like many others, I made the difficult decision of leaving my sport after high school. I wanted to branch out and have time to explore different things in college even though I knew in my heart that I was going to miss my sport with every fiber of my being. But with every change in any type of setting, it came with its consequences; and I felt it with full-force in my first year of college without my sport. The transition was hard and it came in different phases but I found ways to squirm out of my discomforts.
1. Finding friends can be difficult in the beginning.
Especially as a college freshman, it can be hard to find genuine friends. Most of the people that make our friend list our freshman year don’t make it to senior year. It’s just part of the first year experience– making skin-deep friendships with people just for the sake of having friends. Being in a team takes away that stressor of seeking out friends because your team becomes your family. I know stepping into high school for the first time was much easier for me because I came in having friends in my tennis team and we had already bonded over summer training. Coming into college without those kinds of friendships made me try my best in approaching people and making small talk (something I absolutely HATED). It got better eventually, but not without some awkward interactions.
2. I longed to be part of a team.
After getting my feet wet and meeting some new people in classes and clubs, there was this nagging feeling inside me even though I made progress in making friends. I found that I longed to be a part of something bigger than myself again. I missed that feeling of playing not for myself but for my school. It was never something I got over with so I sought an outlet to remedy these feelings by joining clubs and E-Board positions. It was not the same, but I loved being a part of a whole again even if it wasn’t with tennis.
3. It’s harder to work out.
Leaving my sport meant there were no more coaches and training regimens that I had to follow through anymore. Initially, I was really excited about that because that meant I could personalize my workouts and knock them out whenever I wanted to. Then I realized that I missed having my coaches because they held me accountable to showing up every day. I underestimated how enticing it can be to shrug off going to the gym just because I didn’t feel like it. But even when I did workout, in the beginning, it was tough to stay motivated and to push myself because I was so used to my personal trainers yelling at me and pushing. In the gym, I had to learn to push myself because no one else will. It was also much easier knowing what I was working out for. Training for tennis was enough motivation for me because I had a purpose and that was to play for my team and win competitions. Working out without a sport is different because I had to ask myself whenever I stepped into the gym, “Why are you here?” I had to create a new purpose for myself to be in the gym, whatever it was. It didn’t matter what my answer was, as long as I had an answer.
4. My diet had to change.
For me personally, I ate a lot to compensate for all the workouts that burned through a normal person’s daily calories. It was a detail that should not have been hard to miss but it completely escaped me when I wondered why I was feeling so ill with how much I ate. I was so used to the portions of food that I ate in my years of being a tennis player that when my body was changing from athlete to non-athlete, my diet wasn’t able to catch on until my body told me. And that brings me to my next point…
5. I have some body issues.
I look back at the pictures that I have back in my varsity days and I long to be as fit as I was then. I developed insecurities that I never I had back in my varsity days and initially, I didn’t know how to deal with them. But soon I discovered that there were a lot of girls out there going through the same thing. I bonded with my roommates over missing our varsity athlete days and it was then that I realized it was okay to be in whatever shape I was in because it’s a normal part of the transition. Weight will fluctuate but your respect for your body never should. I had to learn to accept any form my body was in because it’s my body and it always deserves my respect. It shouldn’t suddenly lose respect or gain it. This was a challenging but very essential lesson to learn my freshman year.
6. I miss the competition.
Especially in varsity athletes, nothing felt better than the grind of a competition. I longed for those moments of accomplishment and even loss. But more-so, I miss the moments of feeling the pressure–something I thought I would never miss. Why? Because it’s never the same playing for fun. I missed having something on the line and having that pressure of my team, my coach, and my training on my back. It brought out my best game that was only unlocked on those moments.
7. I will never play the same and it kind of hurts.
It’s a no-brainer, but it’s a difficult fact to accept when this sport, in a good and bad way, consumed most of my life. After quitting the competition, there’s this false slimmer of hope that I’ll keep being that player that won conference championships. I trick myself into falsely hoping that I can freeze myself and my abilities in the time of when I was at my prime. But in season or retired, you can never box your most perfect time in any sport. You can only practice and practice was not something that I had time for anymore.
8. I often ask myself if I made the right choice.
This was something I definitely worried about when I was making my decision late junior year. Whatever I was going to do, I didn’t want to have any regrets. But the truth is, with any decision, you will always second-guess yourself. No matter how sure you are, it will always be difficult to let go of something you love.
Nothing will ever compare to my experience in being a varsity athlete in high school. I will always miss it and treasure those memories forever. But I knew what my future held and I knew how big the world was. I wanted to make some room for myself to explore passions that I didn’t have time for in high school. Regardless of my extreme discomfort in configuring a new identity for myself that wasn’t being an athlete, I was able to break through and become a person my high school self would be proud of.