I know this may come as a surprise, but over Spring break, I watched “When Harry Met Sally” for the first time…ever. I snuggled up with my mom and best friend, tea in hand, ready to watch the iconic movie that has been recommended to me by friends time and time again. Though it is a lovely movie that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, it also addresses a very controversial topic that I have heard argued many times: can heterosexual men and women actually be close friends?
This idea is first introduced to audiences when Harry says: “Men and women cannot be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” I am no stranger to this idea, and I’m sure that almost everyone reading this has heard this exact statement presented in some form or fashion. After this idea was introduced in the movie, I could barely focus on the plot. I really started to think about my unique friendships with men and how they have affected my life in various ways. As I’m sure you all can guess, Harry and Sally end up together (shocker), but I started to wonder, can men and women really be close friends without sex getting in the way?
With my mind racing with contradicting opinions, I did what I do best: I searched for answers on social media.
On my Instagram story, I posted a public poll: can men and women really be close friends?To my surprise, I got 180 responses: 72% percent of voters said yes, men and women can be close friends, and 28% of voters said, no men and women cannot be close friends. I then asked voters to tell me why they think what they think, and I got a very interesting array of strong opinions.
Obviously, there are many complex layers to this argument and it is important to acknowledge that each relationship is different. Many factors go into the evaluation of friendships between men and women: is the man straight? Is the woman straight? Is the man in a relationship? Is the woman in a relationship? How long have the two known each other? Have the two individuals ever been involved romantically? Have the two individuals ever hooked up? And the list goes on and on…
Argument A: Yes, Heterosexual Men and Women Can Be Close Friends.
The overwhelming majority of the responses I received believe that it is possible for men and women to be close, platonic friends.
Here’s why some people say yes, men and women can be close friends:
“Gender shouldn’t create restrictions on friendship”
“We are able to have platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex because love exists in many different forms and layers. The love I have for my friends isn’t the same love I have for a partner.”
“Yes, but sometimes it only works if they are both in relationships or not interested.”
“Being someone’s support system does not always require attraction / intimacy!”
“We’re all just people.”
When it comes down to it, the main argument here is that gender should not put restrictions on who you choose to love and support. Wendy L. Patrick, Ph.D.,a behavioral expert and the author of “Red Flags”, agrees: “Men and women certainly can be just friends,” Patrick says. “Friendship is based on mutual trust and respect — not sexual attraction.” Going off of that, in the article “Ask A Scientist: Can men and women really be ‘just friends?’”, Anu Kumar defines friendship: “Friendship, platonic in nature, can be thought of as an emotional bond with another individual that will not have any sense of sexual attraction, meaning that friendship is an emotional attraction.” So, friendships are still considered an “attraction,” just not sexual in nature! Heterosexual men and women can be drawn to each other in an emotional sense; however, this does not necessarily mean they are attracted to each other in a romantic way.
Though the friendships between heterosexual men and women have the potential to turn into something more, that does not mean that this will always happen. Friendships come in many shapes and sizes, and this does not exclude those found between men and women.
Argument B: No, Heterosexual Men and Women Cannot Be Close Friends.
But the question still holds: what happens if the attraction isn’t purely emotional? Though this was the less popular opinion on my poll, there were still many strong opinions submitted about why men and women cannot be close friends.
Here’s why some people say no, men and women cannot be close friends:
“No, I don’t think men and women can be close friends because straight men will never become super close to a woman unless they want to hook up with her.”
“Any guy that has ever become close friends with me seems like they only had the intention to hook up.”
“Guys will always want more from their girl friend even if they don’t bring it up. It will always be in the back of their mind.”
“One will always end up liking the other at some point.”
“If you are that close, one or more people involved has romantic or sexual feelings.”
“I firmly believe that men and women can have genuine, productive and meaningful friendships- but to a certain extent. Coming from a faith based perspective, I find the church has made too much of a controversy of this topic, going as far as equating avoidance to purity. I do not think this is necessary, and firmly believe that as humans we are intended to be in relationship and community among one another despite gender or sex. However, all relationships come with boundaries, and I have found through personal experience that boundaries in same sex friendships are different than opposite sex friendships. These boundaries all lead back to guarding your heart. I think we all can agree, being physically intimate with someone ties you in a deeper connection with them whether you like it or not, and I also believe this is the same for emotional intimacy. As a woman, sharing deep personal confessions, experiences and truths deepens my relationship with other women, but the same depth with men ultimately leads to romantic feelings. I have close relationships with many male friends in my life, but those relationships will never scratch the surface of my relationship with other women due to that emotional boundary.”
Each relationship comes with certain boundaries, and it seems to be believed that when a certain, intimate boundary within a friendship between a heterosexual man and woman is crossed, the possibility of a true platonic friendship is eliminated. Alongside this, many of the women who responded to my poll have felt sexualized by their male friends at some point, feeling as though the men were only interested in a friendship with them in hopes for more.
So…what does all this mean?
Yes, I’m sure that in some cases, Harry Burns was correct: sex gets in the way from time to time. Do I know happily-in-love couples that started off as “platonic” (eye-roll) friends in the beginning? Of course! But does this mean that all heterosexual male and female relationships will end up taking this romantic path? Of course not!
I will leave you with my favorite response a lovely follower of mine so amazingly pointed out on my Instagram poll, “We’re all just human,” and we have much bigger fish to fry than arguing over cross-sex friendships.