I’ll just start this with a little bit of my personal experience and the story that has led to me writing this article. These are all feelings I’ve had in my experience, but these feelings may not be applicable to everyone in my situation or a similar situation. Regardless, these are some thoughts I’ve had. When I was 12, my Mom developed a brain tumor that began to show itself through seizures in her leg during the workday. Over the next 4 years, she underwent 2 brain surgeries for 2 different tumors, a month of radiation, and 2 years of chemotherapy pills. After all the oncologist’s efforts, the cancer treatments weren’t effective, and my Mom passed away during April of my sophomore year of high school. I was 15 and she was 44, which was far too young for both of us. From this experience, I’ve learned a few things I’d like to share with anyone going through a similar situation.
1. The fact that your parents aren’t indestructible is a hard pill to swallow.
Your parents are the reason you’re alive and have almost always been in a care-taking position for you. They seem like they’re always going to be there for all your skinned knees in grade school and all throughout your heartbreaks of high school. Your parents are some of the most constant figures in your life, especially when you’re still living in their house. For these reasons, it’s difficult to cope with the fact that your parent may not be there for you forever because most people don’t have to face this fact until they’re an adult. However, in a situation like mine, you begin to realize that your parent is not only your parent. They’re also a son or daughter, sister or brother, a friend, and so many descriptors other than a parent. They have their own feelings and flaws and seeing them face their own mortality forces you to step back the realize their place in the world. This realization was rough for me to deal with at first.
2. You’ll always feel their absence.
After losing a parent or anyone close to you, you can feel their absence. You can feel it when their favorite song or TV show comes on or when you’re looking through pictures or just going about your day. Sometimes these feelings may make you feel good, warm inside, and thankful for your time with them. However, sometimes these feelings leave you with an empty-stomached feeling and just make you realize how much you truly miss them. I would like to argue that both of these feelings are positive because it shows that that particular person still holds a huge place in your heart. For me personally, I get a warm feeling while listening to the song “Not Your Fault” by AWOLNATION because it was a favorite song of my Mom’s that came on frequently on the car ride to school. Learn to appreciate these moments.
3. You learn to celebrate their life.
Learning to celebrate their lives instead of mourning will take time, but it’s the best next step to take. Don’t focus on the situation that led to them not being present in your life anymore because, in my experience, that will only lead to sad feelings. Focus on their life, the things you shared and the things that made them a wonderful person to be around. Focusing and celebrating their life will give you more appreciation for the time you spent with them. For this reason, make a habit of talking about your person. Talk about how they would have reacted in a certain situation, how they would have loved to see a new movie that came out or bring back some of their staple jokes. Talk to people that knew them also so you can reminisce about memories and talk to new people about how much this person meant to you and how they affected your life.
4. You become hyper-aware of people taking their parents for granted in small disagreements.
Since my mom passed away, I’ve realized that it is mentally taxing to hear people complain about petty fights with their parents. It’s mentally taxing because you would LOVE to still be having meaningless fights with your parent. You would love to be able to argue, make up, and then spend the day with that person. One of the most difficult parts of losing a parent at a young age is that they were not done parenting you yet. This realization will sting for a while, but keep in mind that almost everyone will have to deal with losing their parent at some point in their life and having that situation happen years in advance gives you a different outlook on appreciating those still in your life.
5. Visit them when you need to, whichever way you need to.
Throughout high school, there were stretches of a few weeks I was upset about things happening in school, stress, or just lingering emotions from losing my Mom. I made it a habit to visit the cemetery, look through pictures, or reading through old letters of hers. A lot of times, actively thinking about her made me feel more in control of the situation. It gave me comfort to experience some of the most important things in her life or to sit against a pillar in the cemetery and feel that I was spending some time with her. My advice for these situations is to carry around a picture of your person to look at from time to time when you’re upset. After a time, you will find out what you need to do to feel better and more in control of the situation.
6. There is no set time to “get over it.”
The sad truth is that there honestly will be no “getting over it” because losing a parent or someone essential to your life will affect you for the rest of your life. Instead of getting “over it,” think of it as getting “through it.’ This is certainly a hard pill to swallow, but you will find out what you need to do to get through the day as time goes on. In the beginning, waves of sadness will likely hit you often and unpredictably. After a time, these waves become more predictable (maybe these waves are more likely to arrive on their birthday or during family events.) The waves become more spaced out as time goes on and you will learn what works best for you to cope when they do. In addition, therapy may be an essential part of what gets you through this rough time in your life. If not therapy, don’t be afraid to talk to your family or friends. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help or just a listening ear because people that care about you are always willing to listen.