One of the hardest adjustments to college for me was finding a support system that suited my needs. My mom was no longer down the hall when I was having a tough time, and it felt much harder to reach out to my high school friends because, all of a sudden, we were in such different places, both mentally and physically. It was especially important to me that I found people who were there for me at SLU when I needed someone to talk to. But beyond finding people I felt comfortable around, it was important that I could find the right kind of support.
Since I transitioned to college, I’ve come to understand that when I reach out, there are two different kinds of help that I look for, depending on the situation. One of these is solutions and the other is support. This distinction dawned on me when I was talking to my mother, and she asked me what kind of help I was looking for. I was really overwhelmed when I called her, but when she started suggesting ways to manage my stress, I realized that wasn’t the kind of help I was looking for in that moment. Figuring out what you need when you are going through a hard time and what your friends need from you when they reach out is hugely important. I think there are two primary ways to be a helper, which I call the ends of the Fixer-Supporter Spectrum.
The Fixer
The Fixer is the person who assesses your situation and comes up with solutions. Fixers are good at problem-solving and coming up with creative solutions, and they won’t stop until they have come up with something that makes your situation better. Fixers see your problem as an objective and interpret your call for help as an assignment of this problem to them.
Some examples:
You reach out to your friend because you are stressed about a class and feel like you are going to fail. Fixers jump into action: searching for tutors, looking at your professor’s office hours and scrolling through their contacts to see if they know anyone who can help you. Fixers will look at your syllabus and help you plan your study schedule.
The fixer hears you talking about your ongoing conflict with your roommate and makes a plan for what kind of things you should say to them. They ask you about what you’ve done to try to resolve the issues you’ve been having. Fixers give you space in their room when you need it and help you brainstorm ways you can avoid conflicts with your roommate.
The fixer’s strengths are in the solutions they provide. They are resourceful, creative, and persistent. When you go to your fixer friend, you will leave feeling like you have a fresh perspective on how to deal with whatever is bothering you.
But the fixer has their faults, too. Sometimes the fixer is overly solutions-based, and ignores what is at the heart of the issue: you and your emotional state. This comes out of love for you, as they want to help take away your pain, but sometimes that is not what you need from a friend. That is where the supporter can come in.
The Supporter
The supporter is your empathizer, amplifier, reassurance and validator. The supporter sees you for your emotional needs and pays attention to how you are reacting to the situation that you are in. Supporters will make you feel seen, will make you feel like you are not crazy, and will help you vent your frustration.
Some examples:
You just had a highly mediocre date and your friend asks you about how it went but you are having a hard time explaining how you feel about it. Your friend asks you how different things made you feel throughout. When you mention that something raised a red flag for you your friend validates this assessment and helps you clarify why you are seeing this as a red flag.
Your group project is moving along really slowly and you’re starting to feel like you are doing all the work. When you tell your friend about this they say things like “Wow, that is really frustrating,” “I am so sorry that you have to deal with this,” and point out things about this situation that make it hard to deal with. Your friend checks in with you about this again in a few days and even though the situation hasn’t shifted much, you feel seen by your friend, which lightens the load.
Supporters take time to listen to you and validate your frustration, sadness, anger or any other emotional responses. Similarly, the supporter may try to get a sense of where your frustrations are coming from. They might ask clarifying questions that allow you to fully express what is causing your reaction. Supporters give you time to let it all out. Importantly, supporters are not trying to diagnose or act like therapists, they are simply trying to make sure you have an opportunity to get it all out and make sure that your feelings are validated.
The supporter’s strength is connecting to your emotional needs. Often, the feelings of relief you feel after talking to a supporter friend come not because you have more solutions but because you feel like you have been seen and someone is on your side. Supporters remind you that you are not alone and that what you are experiencing is not an overreaction.
Supporters aren’t perfect, though. They sometimes lack concrete solutions and may become so focused on your emotional response that they lose touch with the actual issues at hand. Supporters can even amp up your response, making you more reactive than you were initially. Supporters may not have a clear understanding of what you are going through if they listen only to how you are reacting. This can be damaging because it is essential that your friends have an outside perspective and can offer new insights. As with fixers, supporters have their faults, so striking a balance between these two sides of the spectrum is crucial.
I tend to jump right into solutions when I see my friends going through tough times, despite knowing that personally, I like to be validated first when I reach out. Our culture tends to be so solutions-oriented that emotional needs get left behind. Often, simply talking out how you are feeling and communicating your emotional needs is the key to finding a solution. Being aware of what is making something particularly emotionally exhaustive sheds light on how to feel better. Further, sometimes when we, as helpers, jump right into solutions it can make others feel like they are not being heard. The absence of validation and exclusively looking for solutions can make it feel like the problem really isn’t that big of a deal. However, endlessly ranting and dwelling on how frustrating, sad, or difficult a situation feels almost never gets you anywhere. Consequently, both asking what kind of support your friends are looking for and communicating your own needs are the first steps to making any support system stronger.
Patch the cracks, but instead of just plastering over them, first find where they may be coming from.
Be a fixer, but also be a supporter.