I am officially finishing up my junior of college, which means that it is time for yet another end of the year reflection. The titles of my first two college reflections ended with “during a pandemic,” but I am not sure if that applies to this year, especially with the state of emergency formally ending on May 11, 2023, according to the U.S. Government. Regardless of the state of the pandemic, this year has definitely been an odd one because I studied abroad for half of it. I will try my best to avoid topics concerning my time in Madrid, and if you are interested in reading about my study abroad experience, you can read my reflection here. Since I can’t really thematically fit in my first semester, this has become more of a reflection on my 20th year of life. It’s fitting too because my 21st birthday falls at the end of the school year on May 19. So, here are the lessons I learned and the observations I made during my junior year of college, or I guess you could say, my 20th lap around the sun.
On Friendship
I find it’s best to start deep, self-help-ish books in the middle of the night while on the verge of a mental breakdown. The book in question here was Dolly Alderton’s memoir “Everything I Know About Love.” Dolly Alderton is a god–plain and simple. My copy of this book is borderline destroyed, covered in color-coded highlights and scribbled notes. Some of my favorite quotes from the book are scattered haphazardly through this article where I think they apply. The memoir takes readers through a variety of topics from romantic love, to growing up, to self-love to even death. But the biggest takeaway of the novel is the importance of female friendships, which are rarely as obsessed over as romantic ones. Platonic female friendships will always be my saving grace. I have been incredibly lucky in this for my entire life, but in this last year, I have counted these blessings time and time again.
To Abby and Ellie,
To Meghan, Natalie and Molly,
And also too the many others that would take me too long to list,
I would not be half the woman I am without you, thank you.
“Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learned from my long-term friendships with women.” -Dolly Alderton, “Everything I Know About Love”
On Love?
I really cannot come up with a better title for this section, so we are rolling with “On love?” This one doesn’t really fit in just the lesson category or just the observation category–it’s a little bit of both. Taylor Swift (I am a twenty-something-year-old-white-woman, of course Taylor Swift is being mentioned in this) once said that there is something special about being in your early twenties. She explains that you fall in love so easily and so deeply and get your heart broken and shattered repeatedly, but somehow it is still a beautiful thing and a wonderful time of your life. She is absolutely correct.
There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving them. I always sort of knew this, but it took this year for me to completely understand it. I find comfort in analyzing my emotions, and one day, this realization hit me. You can love someone without being in love with them. Sometimes you care so deeply about a person and do not know how to explain how you feel. In my opinion, that feeling is love. It’s kind of like the way you feel about your closest friends. In a way, they are. For me, love has always been the word I used when I didn’t know what else to say. I think that I am still content with that, in every way it applies.
“You were made so that someone could love you. Let them love you.”
-Dolly Alderton, “Everything I Know About Love”
On Careers
This is about to take a very abrupt and slightly random turn, so just bare with me. In one of my classes this last semester, our professor asked us what our dream career would look like. I said something about getting to travel around the world and finding a way to encompass all of my passions into one career. I ended my dream job wish by saying that I wanted stability so I probably would not be able to have all of the things I wished for. The boy sitting next to me asked why, and I explained that it was because I wanted a family and would not be able to do everything I want and also have a family. He looked at me confused, and in that moment, I realized that it had never crossed his mind to give up something pertaining to his career in order to have a family. He didn’t understand the privilege he had to not be asked to consider altering his career for the benefit of a family since, traditionally, he would not be the one asked to make the sacrifice.
I am lucky to have grown up in a time full of stories of women “having it all.” I know that having both is possible. But I also know that I want to go to places where you cannot bring children, especially if I were to have a daughter. I know that in order to do everything that I want it will be difficult to have a partner, let alone children. But then I think about how badly I want to be a mother. Deep down I know that I can’t have both. At some point, I will have to make a compromise. I am okay with that compromise. I wish I knew someone who understood what this feels like, but then I am reminded of someone who does. My mother. My Mom got her Ph.D. when my little sister and I were under the age of ten. I could not be prouder to call her my Mom. I am not a religious person but I thank god that I am her daughter. Mom, I do everything I can to be just like you.
On Growing Up
One night, I got back to my apartment in Madrid at about 4 o’clock in the morning. I had consumed some beverages (legally because I was in Europe) and was doing my best to get ready for bed. In an attempt to distract myself from how appealing just climbing into my bed was, I put in headphones and hit shuffle. Terrible mistake. The song that began playing was “Nothing New ” by Taylor Swift, (second mention of Taylor Swift in this article) featuring Phoebe Bridgers. Those of you who know the song can guess where this is going. The beginning of Taylor’s verse began and tears immediately prickled in my eyes. Those tears quickly turned into full blown weeping as the chorus started.
“I’ve had too much to drink tonight/
And I know it’s sad, but this is what I think about/
And I wake up in the middle of the night/
It’s like I can feel time moving/
How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?/
And will you still want me when I’m nothing new?”
Time, and time passing, does not feel real. I do not know how to grapple with how old I am. I spend a lot of time thinking “I am now the same age as _____ when _____.” Sometimes, I feel like a large child going about life trying her best. I also cried to this song while watching it performed live on a grainy livestream this past weekend–it’s just that good of a song.
I have this vision of myself in a pantsuit walking through New York City that I think about when I need a reminder of what I am working towards. My hair is in a ponytail and curled. The most important thing is that the suit I am wearing is light pink. You might think that someone wanting to go into a male-dominated field would want to shy away from colors, but I know that my future self will refuse to forfeit my femininity for the sake of my reputation. I do not know what my job is, but it matters enough that I am walking as fast as I can in heels. What is difficult to comprehend is that this version of myself is closer than I think. As frightening as that thought is, it’s also incredibly exciting.
“You are moving out of the realm of fantasy ‘when I grow up’ and adjusting to the reality that you’re there; it’s happening.” -Dolly Alderton, “Everything I Know About Love”
On Reaching the Beginning of the End
The thing about being a junior is that I have had to start to come to terms with the fact that the end is coming. In a couple of months, I will begin the long series of lasts that make up senior year of college. This used to terrify me, but now I am slowly coming to terms with it. However, I know that saying goodbye to my best friends will never be something I can easily accept. I can picture our last night. In my head, we pull our mattresses into the living room and sleep five feet apart. It’s the perfect snapshot of girlhood, just us, together.
I have a video that I accidentally took at some party where I can hear myself say, “I hope that I never forget what this feels like.” I know that there will be a time in my life when I will be thankful to not be in a crowded bar wearing a crop top and uncomfortable jeans but I can not imagine it now. There have been moments in this past year that I know will make me want to slam my head into a wall in 10 years. But for right now, I cherish them with everything I have.
“I don’t want the brain of my twenty-one-year-old self. Or the impulses or the bloody . . . inner turmoil. I want everything I have now—I want all the lessons I’ve learned and the experiences I’ve had and to know all the stuff I know. But I want to transpose myself back to the physical state of being twenty-one forever, with all my life ahead of me.”
―Dolly Alderton, “Everything I Know About Love”
This article is dedicated to the Portuguese surfing instructor who said that I was “too much in my own head” because obviously, I am.