Recently I decided to take my homework outside and read in the nearby park. It was the perfect evening, and I was sick of being inside. As I looked for a spot to sit, I couldn’t help but notice a familiar sight I have encountered all around Spain: couples, everywhere I looked. Left and right sitting on park benches, lounging on picnic blankets and strolling about holding hands. As I looked around, it seemed like even the animals were coupled up: the ducks in the pond, the dogs chasing balls and running around and the police horses were going about their business in a pair. Sitting alone on a park bench, I felt a little out of place.
I am sure that the amount of couples in Spain isn’t the thing that makes this difference seem so apparent, rather, the way that they interact here makes them seem noticeably more prevalent. I’ve noticed consistently in almost all the places in Europe that I have traveled that there are a lot more public displays of affection (PDA) than in the U.S. There is just an overall feeling that love is in the air, because you see reminders of it everywhere. And the PDA here is more than just holding hands while strolling down the street. Couples cuddle everywhere, kiss on public trains, stroll arm in arm and generally don’t have the same kind of embarrassment about being close to one another that people in the U.S. often have. Even though I’ve been witnessing this trend for a few months, it is still a bit startling to see a couple kissing as I’m waiting for the metro in the middle of the day. As someone who’s not currently in a relationship, this kind of hyper-prevalence of PDA creates a kind of loneliness that feels a bit more in your face. However, witnessing this cultural difference has pushed me to reframe how I think about expressions of love.
First, I think it is important to consider how Americans view PDA and displays of love. Often we are uncomfortable when confronted with people proudly and publicly showcasing their feelings. It seems teenagerish, immature and even rude to kiss in public. The only times grandiose displays of love are viewed as acceptable are on Valentine’s Day and at weddings or proposals. We limit ourselves to celebrating love only a few specific times a year. And because of this, Valentine’s celebrations seem overdone and fake. It has become more of a trend of “If you don’t post about how much you love your significant other are you even in a relationship?” Or a competition to buy the biggest teddy bear, the most beautiful flowers and the most expensive jewelry. Once again, America has turned something sweet into another capitalist venture.
Americans also try to quantify how much their partner loves them. For example, I have stumbled on TikToks where people count the times their partner compliments them, calls them beautiful, tells them “I love you,” and the like. Perhaps we are so lacking in our public displays of affection that this trickles into our private ones. We have created this culture of needing to quantify everything, making people lose sight of what constitutes love. Even the trend of posting about how long couples have been together seems a bit silly to me. Celebrating a relationship is a great thing to do, especially with one’s partner, but one’s Snapchat followers don’t really need monthly reminders of every couple’s progress. The quality of the relationship is probably more powerful than its longevity. I was recently reminded that people show you they love you in so many more ways than words. Thus, counting the words, the kisses, the money spent and anything related to one’s relationship completely ignores the importance of other love languages and the importance of the quality of love. Now that the first instinct is to kiss one’s partner for a selfie or an Instagram post rather than doing so to show them love, we are missing the mark. We are left unsatisfied and unhappy.
Even proposals have become more superficially focused over the past few years. I have seen many a TikTok to the tune of “Is he proposing or…” and for proposals, increasingly elaborate flower arrangements, incredible locations so that photos turn out Instagrammable and endless amounts of energy spent on making a special moment aesthetically pleasing, rather than focusing on the connection between two people. I am no expert on the proposals that happen in Europe, and I certainly saw an uptick in people carrying flowers on Valentine’s Day, but I do know that love is celebrated on a more consistent day-to-day basis, and I think that is worth considering.
No one should feel ashamed to be with someone they love, or embarrassed to express their love. Certainly, there are limits to how we should publicly show our affection without being rude to the people around us, but the couples I’ve witnessed here understand that. The kind of PDA here isn’t the teenagerish can’t-keep-off-of-one-another kind you might’ve regrettably witnessed in high school. It’s much more sweet and more affectionate. The couples here just seem so happy to be near one another, wherever they are, whatever the time. I think part of that comes from a higher level of comfort with themselves and not caring about what other people think about them. To feel comfortable you need to develop a level of self-love that we sometimes discourage in the U.S. Thus, instead of judging people for expressing themselves, their expressions of love and their connection to others, we should support one another in our love journeys.
As a single girl, I’ve decided to apply these expressions of love in my life in a platonic sense, trying to be better at showing my appreciation for the people who love and support me. (Shoutout to the people who are here for me, and for those who are here for me even if not physically.) Showing your love doesn’t have to be limited to physical displays, but we should try to do more than just liking and commenting on social media or sending notes on Galentine’s Day or birthdays. As my Sunday school teachers taught me, “Don’t save love for a special day but put on love every day.” Show your friends that you love them by telling them as much any time you see them, in any way that your love languages communicate. Showing love goes so far beyond romantic relationships.
Everyone deserves to be shown that they are loved, and we should be more comfortable expressing our love. As one of my high school teachers said: “Having something nice to say about someone and not saying it is like having a gift, wrapping it up all neatly with a bow on top and not giving it.” Give that gift! Show the people that you love that you love them, and we can make the world a much brighter place.