Ah, the holidays. The time of the year when you get together with your extended family that you never see because of some type of family drama, your Aunt Susan asks why you don’t have a boyfriend and lovingly reminds you that you aren’t getting younger and you’re pretty sure your one cousin hates your guts—but neither of you will throw the first punch because Grandma has a heart condition and would have a cardiac infarction if a fist is thrown while a turkey is on her table.
Am I painting the picture right? There is a reason none of us really want to go home for the holidays, and it kind of has everything to do with our families.
From discussing how your college major may not be the best fit to asking about the lack of a date, family does not skip over any topic. And if your family is like mine, their comments are about as smooth as sandpaper. So, here are strategies for navigating my top five most dehumanizing questions over the holidays.
1. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
We have all been there. The family is just starting to gather. Wine bottles are getting opened, and people are catching up on the past six months as though they really care what the family has been up to. And then, suddenly, it happens. One family member (let’s be honest, it’s always an aunt), asks, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” They try to cover up the subtle diss of a question by complimenting you with things like, “You are just such a nice girl,” or, “Boys must be busting down your door.” But if we are all being honest, being reminded of being single (especially if you don’t want to be) cannot be downplayed by a couple half-hearted attempts at stroking your vanity.
My responses to the situation vary, but I am most well known for, “Well, Sandra, maybe it is because I do not want one.” Or another classic that my mother knows all too well is that “I just don’t have time between college and my friends and working.” Whatever you choose to say, there is no reason that you need a boyfriend. And if we are all being honest with ourselves, if we don’t have a boyfriend, it’s probably for the best because you are too busy for a guy. You are too busy finding yourself and making sure you accomplish your goals to be worried about dragging an unwilling (or if you are lucky, willing) person to the extremes you are willing to go to to achieve those goals.
2. “Have you put on some weight?”
At this point you have successfully avoided scraping your aunt’s eyes from her skull from her consistent boyfriend comments. You think you are in the clear. You’re relaxing, drinking your wine, letting loose a little bit, and then it comes: “Did you put on some weight?” And suddenly, you feel like you are in middle school again when every girl for some reason wanted to prove that they were the skinniest. Your chill demeanor diminishes and you are left with a rage monster inside of you that really wants to claw this person’s eyes out because you forgot to eat breakfast this morning and were told it would be an early dinner, but dinner can’t come early enough because you are now hangry.
Does any of this ring a bell? Responses can range from the sweet, “Yeah, it’s the freshman fifteen,” to, “Yeah, I did, just like you, Sheila.” I am personally in favor of the second, but not everyone is like me. The trick is to try to get back to being calm. So you have to know your coping mechanisms for this. For me, I like to make a joke out of everything. Making jokes out of the horrible things in life is the only way I stay sane. Basically, know yourself and your coping mechanisms. Make sure you get back to zen.
On a side note, if your coping mechanism includes alcohol, I would lay low on it for this round and find another solution. You have too many other horrid questions coming to break out the alcohol now.
3. “So when are you changing your major?”
So after you get back to zen, and you are chilling—maybe talking to a cousin that doesn’t annoy you—suddenly dinner is served. Everyone is sitting at the table, there is tension but it is bearable. You get to the middle of dinner where conversation is picked up again but now the topic isn’t you (thank goodness). Instead, it is your overachieving cousin that is going to be a doctor or lawyer or engineer or something that sounds fancy. All is fine and good until someone turns and says, “So when are you going to change your major to something useful?”
I’m going to be honest, I’m the overachieving cousin that you probably hate with all your internal organs at this point. And on behalf of the overachieving cousins of the world, we are sorry that this is said to you because we know you work hard on your degree and getting an education is not a competition. As for what to do about this situation: hit your family member with facts.
Tell them how your major will be applicable in a real world setting, how it can be used in multiple facets, how you will be earning a decent living wage from it, and how it will be a fulfilling job when you get it because you love what you are studying and what you will eventually do.
4. “Who are you voting for?”
So now you are sitting in a tense room. Someone says that it’s time for dessert to lighten the mood. Everyone is excited, pie gets passed around, and all is right with the world…..until it isn’t. It’s probably the over opinionated uncle that brings it up first, but then the loud mouth aunt gets involved, and then the cousin that thinks he will be a politician someday, and now we have the whole table arguing about whether Jeffery Epstein killed himself or not. The conversation takes a twist and a turn, and then it finally lands on “So who is everyone voting for?”
Remember my statement about saving alcohol for the really bad moment? Yeah, I would say this is it. Honestly, this is the time where I sit back and watch the family tear each other apart over who voted for Hillary and who voted for Trump in the 2016 election. If you want to take part in the debate, do so by all means, but remember that no one is really listening to you. Don’t take offense to that; they aren’t listening to anybody. Everyone likes to think that they are right in their decisions (otherwise they wouldn’t have made them), so trying to convince someone of your opinion just puts you right back where you started, except now you are angry and have a headache. So my suggestion? Go get another slice of pie, top off that wine glass and lean back in your chair for the show.
5. “When are we going to see some babies around here?”
The debate has finally ended. The table has been cleared. The family is gathered in the living room on the couches for some conversation before the first person finally leaves. This seems like as perfect a time as any for one family member to say one last thing to annoy you to no end. “When are we going to start seeing some babies around here?”
Much like the boyfriend question from earlier, I consider this question a direct aim at my decision to be where I am in life. People are always obsessed with everyone’s life but their own, and it is usually a detriment to those who are the subject of their obsession. So what do you do? Honestly, you have options. If you haven’t drank too much, you can just leave. Or you can tell this family member off for making your life dependent on your provision of children to the family for entertainment. Or there is a third option, and this is my favorite to use as the baby of the family: “I’m just a kid, ask the older one when they want kids.” Obviously, your older sibling or cousin (or whoever they are) will hate you for this. But at least you don’t have to deal with the questions, so I see it as an absolute win.
I believe that the holidays can be fun, but I also believe that families can be a pain to deal with. So I hope these tips and tricks have been helpful in making sure that you do not get arrested for aggravated assault or get disinvited from all family functions. Because as much as we hate our families sometimes, you gotta love them. Happy Thanksgiving and Merry (very early) Christmas!