I have been putting off this article for weeks. I have tried telling myself that nothing is changing but then I look to my left, and on the hook where my winter coat hung for years is my cap and gown. Goodbyes have never been my strong suit—I literally cried about graduation before classes had even started this year. So, I can’t promise that this article is going to be packed full of advice and lessons I’ve learned. I really can’t even promise that the advice in any article I’ve written has been good. This article is going to look a lot more like a jumbled series of “thank yous” and little notes to the friends, moments and others who have had a mark on me these past four years. What I mean is that this article will be for me more than anything else. Because of that, it feels only right to start off with a couple of words for my 18-year-old self.Â
To My Freshman Year Self:Â
Looking at a picture of my freshman-year self feels like looking at a different person. I know that everyone says that, but I can’t describe the transformation that I’ve gone through over the past 4 years. My freshman-year self had no idea the ride she was about to get on when she chose SLU. For one, she would be shocked that I dropped my Women’s and Gender Studies minor after a semester. Thankfully I stopped pretending that I “hated politics” when in fact they give me a rush that I can’t really explain. When I walked out of my first international politics class, I felt electric and that feeling has never really gone away. Over the last four years I have transformed from a girl crying in her parents’ hotel room begging them to take me back home to someone who is not ready to leave St. Louis.Â
To Meghan:
Very few people can say that they met their best friend on their first day of college, but I can, because she was sitting behind me in Introduction to International Politics at 11 a.m. in the morning. Over the last four years of friendship, Meghan has seen me at my highs and my lows. When I felt like I had no one, I had Meghan. She has been there for every fit of laughter, every tear-filled breakdown, every late night Seoul Taco run, every “Parks and Rec” binge. My favorite moments from college all have Meghan in them. When we’re old and gray, we’ll probably still lose our breath laughing at all of our antics from sophomore year. I would not be the same person I am today if anyone else would have sat behind me on that first day of freshman year. Meghan, you’re a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk-ox (she’ll know what that means).Â
To Molly:
To know Molly is to know the human embodiment of sunshine. But hiding under all of her glow is a razor-sharp wit that never fails to catch me off guard. This orange-loving girl and her smile have stolen a piece of my heart forever. The shy girl that I met in the dorm elevator all those years ago will always be the person I turn to when I need a hug or a poorly timed Dad joke. She’s my favorite person to laugh with, especially if it’s over something stupid. Whether it’s showing up to a swamp tour wearing alligator socks or threatening physical violence to anyone that hurts the people she loves, you can always count on Molly to make everyone in the room smile.Â
To Natalie:
I met Natalie several times before we actually became friends, none of which she remembers, so if you ask her when we met she would say junior year. My first two years of college were filled with chance encounters of “almost” meeting Natalie. From living on the same floor as some of my friends freshman year, to actually living on my floor the next and then all of the events and parties where we had just barely missed each other. That sounds a lot like fate to me. Knowing Natalie for the last two (four) years has been the best little chance of fate moment that has changed my life for the better. There are not many people in the world that can calm me down the way that Natalie can. Whether it’s telling me to take a deep breath or that I am being ridiculous, I can always count on Natalie to center me. Natalie is more confident and sure of herself than anyone I know. When you think of someone you want your future daughter to be like, you think of Natalie.Â
To Our Apartment:
The two different Taylor Swift as Jesus candles. The elementary school-style behavior board. The Christmas stockings that are still up in May. The doorway where I fell to the floor and cried my eyes out in a Lexapro costume (don’t ask). The refrigerator that’s doors open again if you close them too hard. The movies to watch list that we are never going to get through. The “Boys Ruin Dreams” sign, with the quote courtesy of Meghan’s mom. The life-size Harry Styles cutout. Oliver, the grumpy little cat who had to put up with an apartment full of 21-year-old girls. But most of all, the laughter. I am going to miss this little shoebox of an apartment more than I can say.Â
To the people who made the place:Â
Everyone says that it’s the people that make the place but I am not sure that I believed it until I moved here. The memories I have made at SLU will stay with me forever, and that is a great part because of all of the wonderful people I have met. Without them, there are so many moments and parts of me that never would have been. Traveling around rural Poland. An appreciation for the Netflix show: “Nailed It!” Dancing all night in a Jersey Shore costume. Secret comments and laughs across rows. The dining hall chicken sandwiches. My Friday Spanish class, because of “es Viernes.” Terrible reality TV. Running up and down Gries floors at 2 a.m. It’s these little moments that will stay with me forever.Â
To Kappa Delta:
I was not someone who I thought would ever join a sorority, but in the second semester of my freshman year I took a complete leap of faith and joined Kappa Delta where I met the most incredible women who filled my heart with joy. Over the past four years, I have become kinder, stronger, more accepting and more loving. Most importantly, I have gained so much confidence. Though my journey toward self-love is not perfect, I am better than I ever thought I could be, and for that, I am forever grateful to each and every one of them.
To Her Campus:
I have always loved to write, but it wasn’t until my second semester of college that I started publishing my writing on this website. Over the last four years, Her Campus has helped me find my voice. Whatever I was feeling, whether it be anger, love, or heartbreak I was able to express it in my articles. Getting the opportunity to help lead this organization over the past two years and becoming the Co-Editor in Chief has been such an honor. I am especially thankful for Morgan, my partner in crime, who always manages to turn my nonsense into something beautiful.Â
To SLU:
The other night, I found the voicemail I received from my admissions counselor letting me know that I had gotten into SLU. I remember sitting in my old bedroom and pressing play on a voicemail from a number that I did not recognize and then my whole life changed. I ran out into the living room and yelled “I got into college!” At the time, I thought that there was no way I was going to SLU, but I had this gut feeling that this was someplace special. I mean, what school calls to let you know that you’ve been admitted? A couple of weeks later, I was sitting in Queen’s Daughters Hall about to start my tour. At that moment, I knew. It took me a few more months to say it out loud but I knew SLU was going to be my home. Choosing SLU has undeniably been the greatest decision I have ever made. If I got a chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
There is a quote that my Grandpa used to say instead of goodbye: “Take your time going, but hurry back.” Those words have provided me with comfort my whole life, but I have found myself leaning on them more these past few weeks. I don’t want to say goodbye just yet, so instead I will say: Take your time going, but hurry back.