Did you ever read those American Girl Doll books that talked about experiencing puberty, navigating middle school and other stages for growing up as a woman? I would read them extensively to the point where the book’s spine was weak and could barely hold together all 100 pages or so of the secrets of adolescence. As I journeyed through my teenage years and into young adulthood, I found I didn’t have the proper reading material to help answer some of the major questions about life I was experiencing. One question that many of my female friends and I pondered over was, “How do you properly shoot your shot in a romantic situation?”
I’m no expert by any means, and I’ll be honest, my success rate isn’t impressively high either, but don’t they say you always learn from failure? In my own experience, I’ve learned a handful of things about shooting your shot, and here are four rules that I’ve learned through the failures, life lessons and 1 a.m. pep talks that have dotted my time in college. These rules will make shooting your shot more comfortable and more fun!
Rule #1: The Worst They Can Say Is No.
Let me paint a scene for you. You’re sitting in class and the person you like is sitting a few seats away. You find them attractive and you want to ask them out, but all of the cons are playing through your head like a clip show. What are they going to say? What are they going to tell their friends? Will they laugh? Will they be utterly disgusted and spit in your face? In reality, the worst they will say is, “No.” I can guarantee that whoever you may be interested in will be more flattered than anything, even if they aren’t interested.
Rule #2: Don’t Take it Personally.
If you shoot your shot and receive a rejection, remember, you can’t take it personally! Their decision to reject you is more than likely independent of you, your looks or your personality. Bringing yourself down only does more harm than good. Trust me when I tell you that this self-deprecation and blame will only cause a domino effect of negativity towards your own self-perception.
In order to break out of this cycle, I have learned that my value is not decided or determined by whether or not someone likes me back. Just because you are not someone else’s type does not mean that your worth has to diminish–the two of you are simply looking for different things.
Rule #3: Keep Your Expectations Low.
As a self-proclaimed romantic, delusion and idealism often walk hand in hand in my life. A prolonged look or casual brush can quickly turn into a “You have bewitched me body and soul”-esque proclamation, and my attraction towards someone can skyrocket to unimaginable heights. It’s important to not let your imagination take over reality. Instead, remember to reassess how much you actually know this other person and your relationship with them, and have little to no expectations. Delusion leads to expectations and expectations lead to heartbreak-ations. While having low expectations sounds quite pessimistic, low expectations allow you not to be too encompassed in what may or may not happen if you shoot your shot. Ultimately, it is better to lower the stakes and see what happens from there!
Rule #4: Don’t Overthink It.
Overthinking is a quick way to make yourself anxious about something that is entirely out of your control. I’m prone to overthink about everything, so I understand that it can be difficult to not allow your thoughts to snowball towards the negative. For example, if someone takes too long to respond, that is not an immediate sign that they are uninterested. There are so many factors that play a role in everyone’s day-to-day lives. Instead, guide your thoughts towards the positive and try to build trust—trust, not with the person you’re interested in, but trust within yourself. Trust that you are confident, self-assured and that you are not defined by others’ perception of you.
While I am no Dolly Alderton when it comes to providing advice on love and dating, I can share my own experiences in the hope that they may be relatable. Since I do not imagine there will be another American Girl Doll Guide for 20 to 25-year-olds, these are some words of wisdom that have helped me in my quest through young adulthood. Hopefully, in practice, they can help you, too.